House of the Akatsuki
by Agent47Rulz
Summary: Everyday adventures of the Akatsuki organization. Chapter 7: Kakuzu always likes peace and quiet when going to the library, unfortunately Hidan tags along to inadvertantly cause hell.
1. The world is a prison

House of the Akatsuki

Konan sighed as she completed her 10th origami bird of the day. It was just another day at the Akatsuki base located God knows where. Surveying the room she saw nothing out of the ordinary. Hidan was cutting his wrists, Kakuzu was trying to balance his check book, Itachi was watching Kisame play a video game, Deidara was perfecting his 'art', Tobi was eating a sandwich through his eyehole and Zetsu was playing chess…with himself.

"Knight to E5…checkmate" "**No that's bullshit! You cheated!" **"I'm supposed to be the good side. If anyone cheated it was you" "**Well yeah of course I cheated and I still fucking lost. But If I'm a part of you then you cheated too so you lose!"** The good side of Zetsu just sat there in silence before sighing, "Your logic astounds me" he muttered.

Konan shook off how disturbing that was and decided to take her leave from the room. Heading down the long hall of rooms she suddenly heard a large banging sound coming from the basement followed by a bunch of curses.

Walking over to the slightly cracked door she gently eased it open and walked down the stairs. When she finally made it down she discovered it was none other then the leader Pein who was at this time installing some kind of device into the wall.

Konan silently walked over to her leader and quietly glanced over his shoulder to see it was some kind of keypad with some writing on it, "Smart Security System 3000?" she asked receiving a scream from Pein who had no idea he was there.

Konan sighed as Pein finally realized who it was, "Oh…Konan. Hey I was just installing are new security system." Konan raised an eyebrow, "Security system? We are an organization of S-class missing Nin. Why in the hell would we need a security system?" Pein just stared at her silently, "You don't remember…how could you forget that horrible day when those Jehovah Witness's stormed the compound hell bent on converting us to their religion." Konan gasped in realization as the events of that fateful day came back.

_Flashback:_

_Chaos had erupted in the main hall of the Akatsuki base._ _Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame could be seen screaming as they took off down the hall, three Jehovah Witness dressed in dress shirts and ties running after them with pamphlets. "CONVERT! CONVERT! CONVERT!" _

_Back in the hall two of them were dragging Zetsu away, "Oh Jesus!" "__**No don't pray to Jesus! That will only piss them off!" **__Zetsu screamed as he dragged out of the compound to the Jehovah Witness's van._

_In Kakuzu and Hidan's room Kakuzu was pushing against the door as the Jehovah tried to break it in on the other end. Hidan was rocking back and forth in the corner clutching his pendant to his chest, "I only serve Jashin, I only serve Jashin, I only serve Jashin" he whimpered over and over again as his partner vainly attempted to keep them out._

_Pein and Konan were currently tied up with a couple Jehovah surrounding them, "Well well. I hear that you guys like to go by the names of God, and God's angel. That's blasphemy where we come from." Konan could see them raise their bibles over their heads as they readied the lynching, "No!!!" They screamed as the wraith of Jehovah was brought down on them._

_While all of this chaos was going on the only member who wasn't being violently harassed was young Tobi who was sitting down on the couch with one of the Jehovah witness's nodding intently as the Jehovah told Tobi all about their great religion._

Konan abruptly snapped out of her flashback as Pein gave a triumphant laugh, "There! Let's see those God damn cultists get to us now!" After her flashback Konan could not agree more as they left the basement to back to the main hall.

No one really changed their position besides Zetsu who was outside attending to his garden. However when Pein cleared his throat everyone stopped what they were doing to look up at the leader, "Ok everyone I have some good news. Because of past problems I have now decided to install a new security system."

Looks of relief swept over the Akatsuki who were all still scarred from their run ins with the Jehovah. "Well how much security are we talking about?" asked Hidan and Pein laughed in response and pointed out towards the window.

Everyone looked out to see Zetsu who had just got done his gardening heading back towards the door. Everyone stared intently as Zetsu's hand (I know he doesn't have them) reached out and touched the doorknob, only to have himself violently shocked.

"Ahh/**Ahh!**!" they screamed in unison before ripping their hand away, "**What the fuck was that?!" "**Ow! I have no idea!" They both stared at the knob for a moment before slowly reaching their finger to the tip of it.

After receiving the same painful shock Zetsu clutched his hand in pain, "Motherfucker that hurt!" Dark Zetsu was surprised to see his light side curse in such a manner.

Everyone inside gave awes at how good their security system was working until Zetsu starting banging on the door, "**Hey! Open the fucking door!" "**Please" muttered Zetsu's white side.

Suddenly to the surprise of everyone including Pein a small flamethrower came out of the keyhole of the doorknob, "Threat detected" it said in a robotic tone caused by Zetsu's knocking. Zetsu looked down at the small weapon; "**Oh" **"Shit" muttered Zetsu before a large stream of fire shot out dosing Zetsu as he screamed.

Back inside Hidan was laughing his ass off while Konan looked over at Pein, "Pein! We wanted a security system, not a system that murders members!" "I-I uh…it never had anything like this in the manuscript" he yelled as he held up the little manuscript that came with the package.

Hidan got done laughing and started walking away, "As hilarious as this is I gotta take a shit. Be back in a few." Hidan shut the bathroom door and all was quiet for a minute before a buzzing sound was heard followed by Hidan screaming.

Suddenly the door opened and Hidan walked out…his head in his hands, "Any reason why the fucking toilet sprouted a saw and cut my fucking head off?" Pein quickly looked over the manuscript, "Uh…um…It must have thought you were a threat since the toilet pipes go to the outside world"

Everyone stared shocked at Pein, "Are you shitting me?!" yelled Kakuzu, "It also attacks people trying to leave the building?" Deidara muttered with venom in his voice.

Kisame started to breathe loudly, obviously hyperventilating, "I-I gotta get outta here!" Looking over he noticed that the security system for some reason opened a window. Dashing to it he ran head first which was a bad idea for the security system closed it at the last minute causing Kisame to have fragments of glass in his head, "Oh God!"

Without warning an evil robotic chuckle seemed to come from nowhere. Slowly a painting on the wall rose to reveal a large red robotic eye. Everyone stared at it before Tobi tried communicating with it, "Um…can we help you?" "Hmhm, puny mortals. I am the great SSS 3000 and you are now prisoners of my domain!"

Kakuzu stared in shock before trudging over to Pein and ripping the manuscript from his hands, "Give me this God damn it…lets see…Thank you for buying the SSS 3000…best security around blah blah blah…warning: only to be used in prisons…Leader you fucking idiot! This security system is for prisons! It thinks we are prisoners!"

All of the Akatsuki members…and Hidan's head glared at Pein who chuckled in response, "Guys guys relax. I have the perfect plan to solve everything…RUN LIKE HELL TO THE BASEMENT!" he screamed and everyone took of screaming beside Itachi who was his normal emotionless self.

As they made their way down the hall robotic hands came from the ceiling and started to pursue the 'prisoners'. Kakuzu was the first to fall victim to the metal claws as he was quickly pulled away with a yell. Next came Itachi who really didn't express any emotion or struggle as he was pulled up into the ceiling. Then came Deidara who had gotten yanked by his ponytail, "OOOOOOOWWWWW…un." The only ones left were Pein, Konan, Tobi, Hidan, and Kisame. Suddenly Hidan felt his body also being yanked which caused him to drop his head.

Hidan watched from the floor as his body was dragged away by the claws before being picked up by Tobi, "Thanks orange bitch." They were almost there as Pein threw open the door and dove head first, followed by Hidan who also dove in head first…not that he had much of a choice. Tobi was next followed by Kisame.

However just as Konan stepped foot on the first step of the basement she felt the cold metal clamp around her foot causing her to fall. Pein looked back up the stairs to see Konan being dragged away. With a gasp he dove and grasped onto Konan's wrist, "Konan!" "Pein!" However his grip was no match for the evil machine and she was quickly dragged away, "No!" he screamed before Kisame slammed the door shut to keep them from suffering the same fate.

PART 2

The light in the basement flickered ever so softly as 3 and a half people sat down there. Pein had his face in his hands as he couldn't come to grips that he allowed half his team and the woman he loved become prisoners of the machine. Kisame was leaning against the wall, every couple of seconds glancing at the door just in case the metal claws were able to reach that far. Hidan was grunting and groaning as he felt everything his body was going through, and even though he loved pain this wasn't a pleasant experience, "You guys I think the machine is switching my clothes." Pein and Kisame stared at Hidan however Tobi was looking at something else.

"Hey leader-sama. Is this the main control for the security system?" Suddenly Pein's eyes lit up. How could he forget that the main controls were down here. Jumping up he ran over to the keypad, "Perfect! I'll just enter the keypad and-" That's when Pein touched the keypad and received the same experience as Zetsu, "OW!"

The same robotic chuckle from earlier was back before the keypad flipped over to reveal another robotic eye, "Did you really think I would be that stupid to allow prisoners to touch my controls" "You son of a bitch we are not prisoners! I own you!" "No my friend…I own you. You can't hide down here forever. Besides locked away down here you aren't much better then your friends at this point."

They all glared at the eye before huddling in a group, "You guys what are we going to do?" asked Kisame. "I don't have a fucking clue" muttered Hidan, "I'm scared Leader-sama" whimpered Tobi.

The fact was that Pein was scared too. He was scared for his team. He was scared for himself. And he was scared for Konan. He hated that big red eye just gleaming at him. It reminded him of that damn Sharingan…"Sharingan! That's it!" Everyone looked over to him, "What is 'it'?" Asked Hidan, "If we can free Itachi he can use his Sharingan to draw the machine into an illusion and make it destroy itself!" Kisame just looked at him dully, "Can that thing even be affected by the sharingan?" "Look it's worth a try! Unless anyone else here can use the sharingan…" Tobi was really compelled to raise his hand but if he wanted to keep up his secret he might as well let Itachi use his. Pein smiled, "Well it's settled then. We are now going to commence operation: Itachi Freedom!"

They first needed a way to get out. After discovering some heat vents that led upwards the group needed to find a way to distract the robot. That's when Tobi got an idea, "Ooo I gots an idea!" he yelled happily, "Well what the fuck is it?" yelled Hidan who was getting really irritated by this idiot. "What if Hidan-sama stays here to keep the robot distracted?"

Everyone was surprised that Tobi had such a good idea and Hidan soon found himself being placed on a table right in front of the security system's red robotic eye. Hidan was not only going to distract him but also obstruct his view so he wouldn't see that the others were going.

Hidan just stared at the eye, "So dickhead. How the fuck are ya!" The eye seemed a little taken back by Hidan's foul mouth, "I beg your pardon?" "No you don't beg my pardon, your gonna beg me not to shove my foot up your mechanical ass!" "Well how juvenile" muttered the robot and that is when a verbal fight erupted between the two.

Unbeknownst to the machine, right now Kisame, Tobi, and Pein were crawling up the air vent and were now right above the hallway. Looking down through one of the vents they realized they were overtop of Deidara and Tobi's room.

Looking down they saw that most of the stuff, including the carpet was missing from the room. All that was left was a cold stone floor, a bed, and what looked to be a tray with some food on it. However sitting on the bed picking at the food was Deidara.

He wore a standard prisoner's uniform with black and white stripes and a cap. He was muttering angrily while eating the small morsels before Tobi became excited, "Psst Deidara-sempai" he whispered causing Deidara to look up and smile, "Guys! You're ok and not caught yet. Did you stop the machine?"

Tobi smiled under his mask, "No not yet. But don't worry Sempai I'm gonna bust you out!" Tobi exclaimed before reaching for the bars on the air vent, "No, no Tobi that's not such a good Ide-" Deidara's warning was cut short when Tobi was violently shocked causing his mask to glow a bright orange like the sun.

"Yeah, un. They electrified everything. They replaced our doors with electrified prison bars. Tobi sat back and groaned, his body still giving off sparks. "Just sit tight Deidara, we'll be back to bust you out" whispered Kisame before they continued their way down the vents.

After another minute they passed over Kakuzu and Hidan's room. Looking down they saw Kakuzu playing with Zetsu's chess board. However unlike Zetsu he wasn't playing with himself but with Hidan's body. They didn't make a sound as they watched him play against the decapitated body…and lose. Kakuzu threw his hands up in the air before throwing the chess board across the room. The trio in the vent just looked at each other before continuing down the hall.

Back in the basement the argument was becoming explosive, "No your mom sucks dick!" countered Hidan, his face becoming red even with the absence of blood, "Hmn. Your petty insults can never seek to damage my ego whereas my thought out retorts really get to the root of your infantile actions" "…um…oh yeah. Well your mom is a skank!" "Hmn I don't even have a mother as I am a machine and was manufactured. You fail." "Oh yeah? Well your manufacturer is a skank" "…HOW DARE YOU!" the machine's voice roared.

Hidan must have struck a nerve because he really seemed to piss the machine off. He was so surprised at the machines anger that his head lost its balance and he fell off the table, "Ow, damn it!" The machine gasped in surprise when he realized that no one else was in the room. He then noticed the open air vent and began to chuckle evilly.

The trio was almost to the end of the vent when the all too familiar chuckle echoed throughout the enclosed space, "So you thought you could outsmart me? Well when people test my intelligence it makes me mad. I guess you could say it really…heats me up hahaha!"

Suddenly the vents started to heat up to oven like temperatures, "Shit!" exclaimed Kisame as his hands and knees were being burned along with the other two. "Ow ow ow!" they all yelled in unison as they crawled faster and faster down the increasingly hot vents.

The sound of metal giving out from too much weight was heard and the trio abruptly fell from the vent as it busted, and landed right in the broom closet. From their position Kisame had a mop on his head, Pein was laying face first in a hamper of dirty laundry, and Tobi had a bucket on his head, "Help I'm blind!" Pein just sighed.

After they all got out of their awkward positions Kisame slowly opened the door and looked around. It seemed that since the eye couldn't see everything at once it had motion sensor lasers set up.

Slowly all of them crept out and tiptoed down the hallway while avoiding the motion sensors. Suddenly Pein's heart skipped a beat as he heard a heavenly voice, "Pein!" Pein looked over to the right to see Konan, clad in the same prisoner attire however instead of striped pants she was given a striped skirt. Pein couldn't resist himself and ran over to her cell, not even looking to see if he would run into any sensors. Kisame and Tobi looked at him, and then each other, "We don't have time for this. Looks like it's up to us Tobi." Tobi just nodded and the two headed off to Itachi's room.

Pein ran up as close as he could without touching the bars and being shocked. Konan just smiled, "I'm glad you're safe Pein." "You too Konan. Don't you worry though I'm gonna get you out" "I know you will" she smiled and stuck her delicate hand through the bars making sure not to touch the sides (Kind of like the Operation board game).

She held out her hand for Pein to take and the second he did she realized her hand felt like metal. He quickly tried to pull away but her hand clamped down quickly. Pein looked in horror as Konan's eyeballs were sucked into her head and two robotic eyes were replaced by them, "Holy shit! What have you done with Konan?!"

"Silence prisoner" the robot yelled as the bars rose and the Konan robot walked out and with great strength picked up Pein by his arm and held him high in the air. Pein wondered what kind of jutsu he could use to get out of this before the robot's eyes began to glow even redder as it readied a laser beam attack.

"Oh shit!" Pein yelled before a green blur clamped down on the robot's head, tearing it off and causing the robot to let go of Pein. Pein looked over to see Zetsu finish eating the robot's head, burn marks still on his flytrap from earlier. "Zetsu how did you get in here?" "**We can merge with anything. It was easy." **"Wow Zetsu! You stopped the Konan robot!" "…Um yeah sure that's what I defiantly meant to do" "**She was a robot?"**

Back with Kisame and Tobi they had just managed to bust down Itachi's cell door with the help of Kisame's sword and the trio finally made their way down to the basement. Upon reentering the basement they noticed Hidan's head lying on the ground shouting a bunch of obscenities before Tobi picked him up once again.

"Ok Itachi just use your Genjutsu to fuck with this robot's brain" shouted Kisame. "You making a big mistake my friends" the robot warned. However they all ignored him as Itachi's sharingan glowed red as he looked right at the robot's eye. However just before he activated his Genjutsu the robot eye rotated around leaving a mirror in its place.

So when Itachi used his Genjustu he got a face full of it himself. Stepping back with wide eyes Itachi was caught in his own illusion of his worst fear, "Oh God! Their all over me! All those fangirls, get away I'm not your bishie! No, don't pair me with your own character in a fanfiction! NO NOT YAOI AAAAAAAH!" screamed Itachi before he passed out.

Kisame and Tobi just stared at Itachi's unconscious form, "Well…fuck" muttered Kisame before the door bust open and Pein and Zetsu ran in, "So what happened? Did Itachi stop the machine?" "Um…not exactly" said Tobi before pointing down towards Itachi who was whining about the fangirls.

As Kisame, and Pein tended to Itachi, Zetsu motioned for Tobi to follow him up the stairs. As the two ran down the hallway Zestu looked over to him, "**Alright twerp. Since I'm the only one in the organization that knows you're an Uchiha I'm gonna help you take down the machine." **"On my way in I saw that there is another robot eye in the main hall behind the painting, that's your chance" as he said that robots that took the form of the Akatsuki members appeared at the other end of the hall, "**Now go!**" Yelled Zetsu as he faced the robot onslaught himself.

Tobi finally made his way to the main hall and slowly approached the robot eye who gave a chuckle, "You fool. You really think you can stop me? All of your friends couldn't and you are the weakest of the bunch. You don't get it do you. I'm on to your organization's goals. You have eight of the tailed beasts and now I'm going to use those beasts to start a new robot uprising!"

Just then dozens of robots appeared from all sides and surrounded Tobi, "Muahahahaha! Welcome to my world!" yelled the robot and Tobi just stared right into it's eye while his own glowed with the sharingan, "No…welcome to my world" he muttered before using the Genjutsu and trapping him in an illusion, "What no! What's happening?!" the machine yelled as he felt his control of the robots slipping.

Tobi slowly lifted up his mask and smiled. Then from his pocket he produced a quarter and flicked it into a jukebox conveniently placed in the corner of the room. Suddenly Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal' started to play as Tobi gained full control of the robots from his Genjustsu.

As He Came Into The Window  
It Was The Sound Of A Crescendo  
He Came Into Her Apartment  
He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet  
She Ran Underneath The Table  
He Could See She Was Unable  
So She Ran Into The Bedroom  
She Was Struck Down, It Was Her Doom

Tobi sung the song perfectly as him and the robots began a choreographed dance. The security system that was still affected by the Genjutsu had no choice but to allow his robot army to dance to this crazy song, "No! Nooooo!" it yelled.

Annie Are You OK?  
So, Annie Are You OK  
Are You OK, Annie  
Annie Are You OK?  
So, Annie Are You OK  
Are You OK, Annie  
Annie Are You OK?  
So, Annie Are You OK?  
Are You OK, Annie?  
Annie Are You OK?  
So, Annie Are You Ok, Are You Ok, Annie?

Tobi spun, kicked his legs, and even did the moonwalk along with his robot partners. It was the most random scene anybody could ever predict. The security machine couldn't handle it as the song went on and as it reached its climax the system started to spark, "No…NO!" it gave a death yell as the system exploded on itself along with the robots while Tobi kept on dancing and singing.

Aaow!  
(Annie Are You OK?)  
I Don't Know!  
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK?)  
I Don't Know!  
(There's A Sign In The Window)  
I Don't Know!  
(That He Struck You - A Crescendo Annie)  
I Don't Know!  
(He Came Into Your Apartment)  
I Don't Know!  
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)  
I Don't Know Why Baby!  
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)  
I Don't Know!  
(You Were Struck Down)  
(It Was Your Doom - Annie!)  
(Annie Are You OK?)  
Dad Gone It - Baby!  
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK?)  
Dad Gone It - Baby!  
(There's A Sign In The Window)  
Dad Gone It - Baby!  
(That He Struck You - A Crescendo Annie)  
Hoo! Hoo!  
(He Came Into Your Apartment)  
Dad Gone It!  
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)  
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!  
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)  
Dad Gone It!  
(You Were Struck Down)  
(It Was Your Doom-Annie!)  
Aaow!!!

Tobi gave a final bow to no one unparticular as all the doors unlocked and the nightmare was finally over.

After everything was said and done everybody was finally relaxing in the main hall, the incident of evil security systems, imprisonment, and Michael Jackson behind them. They never found why the security system suddenly failed but Tobi and Zetsu decided to keep it to themselves. Pein took a slip of hot cocoa before looking at everyone, "You guys I'm sorry for what happened." "That's ok we forgive you" smiled Konan before Hidan chimed in, "No go fuck yourself. I had my fucking head chopped off with a saw that came out of a fucking toilet and was forced to have an argument with a robot. You can kiss my ass…as soon as Kakuzu gets done reattaching it" yelled Hidan as Kakuzu put the finishing touches on stitching his head up.

Everyone else sighed from Hidan's idiotic rant before Pein gave a chuckle, "You know it's funny. Looking back I don't know why I tried to get a security system in the first place."

Just then a loud banging was heard coming from the front door as many deranged voices yelled out, "CONVERT CONVERT CONVERT!" "AAAAAAAAHH!" The entire Akatsuki screamed in unison…yes even Itachi.

_Author's notes: Holy crap that was long! Well I hope you guys enjoyed it and plz read and review if you have the time. Stay tuned for my next installment when Hidan and Kakuzu realize through cutting Zetzu's hair that he may have an aunt named "Mary Jane"._


	2. I dont' do drugs, I am drugs

_Author's Notes: Hello again, this chapter had extreme drug references and uses. Just a warning, now enjoy._

House of the Akatsuki chapter 2

Loud shrieks of metal echoed throughout the Akatsuki hideout, however when this would be normal during the day time, it was currently 7 in the morning. Inside one of the many rooms Hidan tossed and turned on his bed, his pillow stuffed over his head in a futile attempt to stop the persistant sawing sound.

Grumbling to himself the Jashinist stood up from his bed, purple eyes groggy and silver hair unkempt. Looking across the room he growled at the sight of his unmoving partner, who was able to sleep even with this damn racket that seem to come from down the hall. Stumbling half asleep down the hallway he noticed the a light coming from the slightly cracked bathroom door, and when he approached it it was undoubtibly coming from the small but cozy lavatory.

With a growl he kicked in the door and began to shout, "Alright what the fuck is the big Idea-" but his voice fell silent and jaw hung open as he came upon a scene he had never once thought he would see. Their in the middle of the tiled bathroom sat Zetsu. But what shocked him most wasn't the fact that the plant man was reading a national geographic magazine, but that the sound he heard was coming from a weedwacker being held by the organization's mask idiot, Tobi.

Tobi hummed happily as he moved the weedwacker over the the many rough edges of the venus flytrap, giving his best friend a much needed haircut...or plantcut. Hidan was pissed that they would do such a bizzare thing, and in the early morning no less, "Tobi!" the man yelled out but over the sound of the weedwacker he might as well have been mute.

"Tobi!!!" he screamed once more as he cupped his hands around his mouth to heighten the sound of his obnoxious voice. The orangefaced moron still did not register his presence and Hidan gave up and walked over to a shampoo bottle placed nearby.

Tobi continued his humming until the back of his head came into contact with the shampoo bottle, causing the poor man to lose balance on the step stool he was on and fall over, the weedwacker broken as it made contact with the white tiles. Zetsu stared in horror at his only friend lieing in pain and looked over his shoulder to see a pissed off Hidan, "Hey whats the big idea? **Why the fuck did you just hit Tobi with a shampoo bottle?!**"

"Shut up plant freak" Hidan screamed but turned quickly as a groggy Pein stumbled in, "Uh...hey guys whats going on?" Zetsu growled as he began to help a dazed Tobi up, "Hidan-sama found it neccesary to assault his fellow coworker in some kind of attempt to hault the noise being produced by the weedwacking I would assume...**Yeah he fucked his ass up good**."

Pein raised an eyebrow at Zetsu before turning to the loud mouthed member, "Is this true Hidan?" "Oh come on leader-sama its 7 in the fucking morning and we were both woken up by Zetsu getting a hair cut by a fucking landscaping tool!" Pein glared, "Either way Hidan I believe it would be best you recieved some sort of punishment for this. I think it would be best if you clean up Zetsu's plant trimmings and burned them in the backyard."

The white side of Zetsu was slightly offended that Pein found it neccesary to burn his plant remains but the black side was happy that the asshole was recieving some sort of punishment. When Tobi was fully aware Pein turned to him, "Tobi I have to ask though...why were you cutting Zetsu's flytrap this early?"

The young idiot bounced up and down, "I was trying to make Zetsu-chan look his greatest for his mission today!" Pein looked over at the plant man and grimaced at the black and white creature grinning at him, "Um...good luck with that" he muttered before closing the door and heading back to his room.

It was fifthteen minutes later when the side entrance of the Akatsuki building opened up and out walked Hidan who mumbled to himself as he carried a large trashbag full of the plant's remains. As he headed down across the street of the large dirty building he heard the main entrance open and Zetsu calmly walk out along with a bouncing Tobi.

After bouncing for a few seconds Tobi stood in front of Zetsu, a paper bag in his hands, "Ok Zetsu sweety i've packed you a lunch. Make sure you stay on all main roads and if any Konoha ninjas invite you in their house for candy make sure you go" Zetsu took the paper bag lunch and looked at his friend, "..**Don't you mean 'do not' go in?**" Tobi laughed, "But everybody loves candy!" Zetsu rolled his eyes but they got slightly bigger as Tobi lifted his mask slightly and kissed Zetsu on the forehead, "Bye bye sweety see you later" Tobi said before walking back inside while Zetsu headed down the sidewalk.

Hidan hid behind a dumpster as he glared at Zetsu while he walked by, "**So what did he pack us?**...Turkery club" Zetsu sighed before chucking the paper bag in the dumpster Hidan was behind before muttering to himself, "**We'll pick up a drifter on the way**". Hidan flipped off the plant before dragging the trashbag to the end of the alley and dumped the contents in a small clearing.

After making sure the plant shavings were in a small pile Hidan took out a match and lit it before throwing it onto the pile that immediatly began burning. While Hidan began chuckling at the thought of burning the real Zetsu, the wind kicked up blowing the smoke made from the green shavings into Hidan's face, "_COUGH COUGH _Ahh shit" he groaned as he tried swatting the smoke away.

However after about 30 seconds of swatting away the smoke Hidan began to feel...funny. The world seemed to slow down as his purple eyes became heavy. He couldn't help but grin as he waved his hand in front of his face and was mezmorized by the way it looked like he had countless hands. Stumbling a bit he took one last breath before reaching down and grabbing some of the plant shavings that weren't caught in the fire and placed them in his cloak.

He stumbled all the way back to the main building, laughing like an idiot the whole way. Opening the door he began to walk down the halls when he bumped shoulders with the organization's most silent member, Itachi. Itachi spun around instantly, sharingan activated about to give Hidan 72 hours of torture when his face faultered as Hidan started to rub his cheek with his hand, eyes glazed over, "...You have really smooth skin" he muttered before walking away leaving Itachi very confused...and slightly violated.

Hidan was having a wonderful time until he began to have the munchies, "I'm hungry" he muttered as he stepped into the kitchen and noticed Konan standing at the counter mixing pancake batter. Grinning mischieviouslly the immortal crept up behind her and ever so gently wrapped his arms around her waist. To his suprise she tensed only for a second before leaning into Hidan's chest, "Why hello there Pein" she said cheerfully, never turning around as she continued to mix the batter for the organization's breakfast. Hidan smirked to himself before purring in her ear as he slightly nibbeled on it.

Konan felt the touch on her ear and moaned slightly, "Ooo Pein" she muttered as Hidan began to leave kisses on the nip of her neck. Konan couldn't take it anymore as she instantly turned around, her eyes closed as she smashed her lips with Hidan as the two fell to the floor, "Oh take me now!" she screamed which became a suprising sight as a certained pierced form took this time to walk into the kitchen, "...Konan?...Hidan?!" Konan's eyes instantly shot open but they didn't meet the gaze of the rinnegan but instead a pair of bloodshot purple ones.

Screaming she jumped off the immortal and looked up at Pein who glared at her, "I can explain I swear!!!" she yelled as Hidan laughed idiotically from his place on the floor.

After a minute of explaining both Pein and Konan were glaring at Hidan who sat at one of the kitchen chairs, "Well Hidan it seems your just looking for trouble this morning" Pein muttered and Konan was pissed, "Trouble? The man molested your girlfriend and thats all you can say" But Pein didn't react the way she wanted as he jumped up and down, "We're boyfriend and girlfriend?" he asked hopefully and she sighed.

Hidan growled as he pulled out a cigarette, "I don't have time for this" he muttered but instead of lighting it like Pein and Konan thought he would he instead unrolled it and allowed the nicotine to fall on the table, "Hey what are you doing?" she yelled as he paid her no mind while he rummaged through his cloak.

Pulling out some of the plant shavings he placed them in the cigarette wrapper and rolled them up before lighting the end. Breathing in the smoke Hidan sighed in exctasy as the strange plant did it's work and Hidan's eyes became even more bloodshot then before. Konan growled and wrentched the joint away from the protesting man, "What the hell is this shit?!" she yelled taking one hit in curiousity while Pein glared at the immortal, ''Was that Zetsu's shavings?! No wonder your acting like more of a fucking moron then usual, that shit probably rotted away all your brain cells and...and" he stopped as he felt a pair of slender arms wrap around his waist.

Pein's breathing became labored as Konan rested her chin on the man's shoulder, her eyes slightly glazed over, "Leader-sama needs to relax more" she murmered as suddenly Konan held the joint in front of his mouth so he could take a hit.

Ten minutes later Deidara hummed to himself as he made his way towards the kitchen, ready to dig into one of Konan's famous pancakes. But as he walked into the large room he wasn't greeted with the sweet smell of Konan's cooking but instead the smell of thick smoke. Waving the smoke away while coughing Deidara noticed three forms laying on top of the kitchen table, staring at the ceiling.

Slowly walking up he realized it was Hidan, Pein, and Konan who didn't even notice his presence while Hidan took a puff of some strange looking cigarette and pointed upwards, "That one looks like a dog" he muttered.

Konan snuggeled more into Pein's cloak as Pein pointed upwards too, "And that one looks like a monkey" he chuckled and Deidara raised an eyebrow before walking up to the three, "Um...what are you doing?" he asked Hidan who continued to look at the ceiling, "Cloud-watching" he said matter of factly. Deidara looked upwards and back down, "But...thats a ceiling fan" he muttered.

Konan laughed moronically as he motioned for Deidara to lay beside her, "Oh come on Deidara, don't be a stick in the mud. Come lay down and lets have a girl talk." A vein in Deidara's head pusled slightly, "But i'm a guy" he muttered and Konan seemed honestly suprised, "Reeeeally."

Another ten minutes later Deidara was sitting in the living room with Itachi, Kisame, and Kakuzu discussing what was going on, "They were just...sitting there. They were smoking some kind of weird substance and it was making them act funny" Deidara explained and Kisame and Kakuzu were perplexed

However Kisame was suprised when his usually silent partner spoke up, "The immortal one seemed unaffected by my sharingan and then procedded to...touch me" he muttered and Kakuzu seemed deep in thought, "Did this state they were in seem...happy?" he asked and Deidara and Itachi nodded slightly. Kakuzu grinned behind his mask, he would make money off of this yet.

Suddenly all four were taken back as a whirlwind of paper flew through the living room, "The fuck, un!" yelled Deidara before the paper came together in the corner of the room leaving a slightly dizzy but chuckling Konan who sat on the floor, "Hehehe that was fun" she laughed, high as a kite.

Hearing another voice they all looked over to another corner of the room to see Pein standing in front of a window, his hands continously doing handsigns, "Rain on, rain off, rain on, rain off" he laughed as on the outside of the window the rain continuously went on and off confusing the people who were walking down the rain country's busy streets.

But the worst sight was when Hidan walked into the room without a shirt on, bloody gashes evident on his body, "Aww yeah this shit really heightens the pain orgasims" he laughed. Deidara and Kisame looked at each other before walking towards the three.

A minute later both Pein and Hidan were tied up and sitting on the couch. Unfortunatly Konan was proving trickier to catch because of her ability to turn into paper. Kisame was currently trying to corner the flying pieces of paper, every so often shooting water out of his mouth to try to wet the paper sheets.

With one final shot Kisame was able to drench the majority of the paper causing Konan to become one again and fall to the ground in a shivering mess. After that was done all three of the blazed Akatsuki members were sitting on the large couch.

Kakuzu walked up to them, "Alright you nimrods wheres the stash?" he asked and Konan chuckled, "The old mans' angry" and all three chuckled. A vein in Kakuzu's head throbbed and he glared daggers at Deidara who covered his mouth with his hands and was stifulling a laugh.

Suddenly everyone in the room grimaced as a dozen threads shot out of Kakuzu's arms and began searching all over the three bodies causing them to scream and try to turn away even though they were tied tight. Finally one of the threads stopped as it reached into Hidan's pocket and pulled out a large handful of Zetsu's trimmings, "Aha!" he yelled and grinned.

Deidara sighed, "Good, now we can dispose of this shit and wait for these three to come out of this stupid state, un" he muttered and they all failed to see the evil gleam in Kakuzu's eyes, "Yes...let me do the honors hehe."

One of the many residents of the Rain Country, a young man with longer hair and shinobi attire walked down the dirty city streets, heading home from a long day at work. The poor man was tired after putting in 9 hours and was looking forward to going home and taking a nap before hanging out with his girlfriend. However as he passed an alleyway he failed to notice a shadow staring at him intently until it decided to speak, "Pssst...hey buddy...looking for some fun?" a deep voice asked.

The man looked around him before pointing at himself. The shadow nodded and the young shinobi carefully walked down the alleyway and stood before the shadow, "What...what kind of fun?" he asked really hoping that the shadow didn't mean gay sex fun. Suddenly the form walked out of the shadows revealing it to be Kakuzu. However he wasn't wearing his normal attire but instead baggy jeans, a white muscle shirt showing off his stiches, a gold chain with the word 'money', and a baseball cap backwards. He still had on his trademark mask and he was eyeing the cowering man with his yellow orbs.

However he used one of his stiches to reach into his pocket and pulled out a small baggie with a small clump of Zetsu's shavings, "This is the good shit here my friend. Just roll it up and smoke it and you'll be on cloud 9" Kakuzu laughed and the man looked at the substance before smirking slightly, "How much?"

Kakuzu laughed, "How much you got my shinobi friend?" he asked but suddenly a huge searchlight shined down the alleyway and Kakuzu and the Shinobi watched in horror as several Rain Country ANBU stared at the two down the alleyway, "This the ANBU black ops! Put your hands up and no harm will come to you." "Shit it's the 5-0!" screamed Kakuzu before shooting out his stiches to the group. As the group of ANBU jumped away from the stiches both Kakuzu and the man ran down the opposite way and out of sight.

It was some time before Kakuzu was able to outrun the ANBU and after selling one bag of the substance Kakuzu thought it easier to just kill the man and take the shavings back. As he stumbeld through the door and mumbled, "Man...how am I gonna make any money off of this if the damn ANBU get in my way" he mumbled but all his problems seemed to be solved as Hidan ran up to Kakuzu and got down on his knees, "Please Kakuzu please! I'm jonzing out man, I need more of that shit and Zetsu isn't back from his mission yet!" Kakuzu once again got that evil smirk in his eye that became even bigger as Pein and Konan also got to their knees and looked up at the man.

A while later Kakuzu hummed to himself as he waved his money wad through his fingers after striking it big with Pein, Konan, and Hidan. However...if more of the Akatsuki members were addicted like those three were...he could make a mint. With that thought he pulled out one of his baggies and procedded to cut one of his cigars, and after dumping out the guts wrapped up a nice big blunt of his new found, drug.

Creeping down the hall he smirked as he came upon Itachi's and Kisame's room. Glancing in he raised an eyebrow as he watched Kisame hum happily while feeding his fish as Itachi...well Itachi was sitting on the bed staring at the wall. He grinned as he walked in, "Oh Kisame my friend. While I was out today I got you you one of your favorite cigars." Kisame's ears perked up at the thought and turned around, "You mean one of those Water Country imports?!" Kakuzu nodded smugly and Kisame trotted over happily.

Grabbing the cigar Kakuzu lit it for him, but as he was about to take a puff a small voice from the bed halted him, "Kisame...don't smoke it" muttered Itachi as he glared at Kakuzu from his place on the bed. Kisame raised an eyebrow, "What...why?" he asked and Itachi slowly began to rise, "Because I believe are friend here has merely wrapped that drug up in a cigar in order to make you become addicted."

Kisame was slightly taken back, "Is...is this true Kakuzu?" Kakuzu merely laughed, "What? Noooo of course not. Why would I do that?" He froze as Itachi stood before him, his sharingan glaring at him, "Then...you won't mind taking the first puff...as a sign of friendship" he muttered and couldn't resist a slight smirk as the color in Kakuzu's face left him.

Kakusu ripped the cigar away from him, "Fine!" he yelled and took a long puff of the drug. Kisame seemed relieved, "You see Itachi! Its just a regular ciga-" "Theres smoke leaking from his stiches Kisame" muttered Itachi and Kisame watched agasp as Kakuzu tried to secretly expel the smoke from the stiches in his face instead of inhaling it.

Kisame reached for his sword, "Why you sneaky motherfucker" he yelled but as he pulled out his scaled chakra sword Kakuzu shoved the blunt into one of Kisame's gills. Kisame stepped back and choked as he was forced to breathe in the substance through his gills. As the man's eyes glazed over and he fell to the floor Kakuzu ripped the drug away with his stiches and held it towards Itachi, "Your turn Mr. Uchiha!" he laughed and Itachi glared at the man, unmoving, "...Do you honestly think you have a chance of beating me? For all you know I could have already trapped you in a genjutsu."

Kakuzu growled, he was right. Just to be safe he took his mask and pulled it over his eyes, relying on his tenticles as he lashed about blindly trying to capture Itachi who dove around the small room trying to get behind the older man and break his neck.

Kakuzu growled as he was unable to get ahold of the quick Uchiha but suddenly thought of a better idea. Quickly ripping off his cloak he shoved the drug into one of the mask hearts he had and used it to blow the smoke all througout the room. With his mask covering his face, Itachi was the only one to breathe in the foreign substance and got to one knee, coughing as his red eyes became even redder as the drug took effect. Kakuzu grinned as he began to walk out of the room, "Only a matter of time now" he laughed while heading towards Deidara and Tobi's room.

Slowly opening the door he quickly realized that Tobi wasn't in the room but as he looked on one of the beds he was a little creeped out he saw Deidara rocking back in forth, holding the puppet head of his former best friend Sasori, "Its ok Sasori...you don't need to talk...i'll do all the talking for us Sasori-no-Danna" he laughed in his crazed state and Kakuzu sighed, this would be too easy.

Using his stiches he silently brought the blunt up to the neck of Sasori's head and shoved it in there. Deidara grinned madly as he looked at the head of his friend but was suprised when the mouth opened, "Oh...Sasori-no-Danna is there something you want to tell me, un?" but was only met with a puff of smoke as the substance was shot out of Sasori's mouth. Deidara choked until the drug had taken it's effect. "Come on Deidara you going to let a little smoke knock you down?"

Deidara's bloodshot eyes widened as he looked down at the puppet head who he believed to be talking to him, "Sa...Sasori...your alive!" he yelled happily. The puppet head glared at him, "Of course I am you fool...now I'm in need of a body." Deidara grinned happily and turned the head to look at all the puppets Deidara had kept that belonged to Sasori, "Don't worry Danna i'll just attach your head to one of your puppets, hmn."

Sasori's head just grinned, "No I was thinking of taking a body with mouths on it's hands and chest." Deidara's face turned white, "But...thats...me." Suddenly Sasori's head began to laugh evilly and Deidara began to struggle as the head tried to latch onto him, "No! No stop Sasori aaaah!!!" he screamed and Kakuzu watched in shock as Dediara struggled against the unmoving head that Deidara seemed to think was alive. Kakuzu sighed and left the room.

Kakuzu had to admit that this was his best idea yet as he was in the main throne room. However instead of Pein sitting in the main throne Kakuzu himself was. He grinned to himself as Pein and Kisame continued to fan him while he watched Konan bellydance clad in only a blue bikini in front of him. He currently had his feet propped up on Hidan's form who was on his hands and knees and thanked Deidara who was dressed in a maid's uniform as he handed him a soda.

Itachi was the only one who wasn't in the room because even addicted as he was, he refused to bow down to that miser, but he was reduced to tossing and turning on his bed as he went through withdraw. Looking up on the ceiling he saw a form crawling on the ceiling, and as it crawled up to him, it's head turned backwards, revealing Sasuke, and Itachi screamed.

Back in the throne room Kakuzu clapped as Konan finshed her dance, panting heavily, "Good job Konan, heres a treat" he said and used one of his stiches to hold a joint in front of Konan who puffed it eagerly. Hidan growled, "Hey what about me?! I've been your fucking footstool for an hour now!" Kakuzu groaned and pulled the drug away from Konan who yelled a "Hey!" and held it in front of Hidan who also puffed it.

After awhile everyone was fighting over the drug and Kakuzu began to worry as he soon realized he was out of the miracle drug. He was forced to backing away to the corner of the room as the crazed bloodshot forms of his coworkers slowly walked towards him, "Come one we know you have some more!" yelled Konan, "I need my fix i'm freaking out man" yelled Kisame who unsheathed his sword. Kakuzu backed into the corner, "Get back you druggies, back I say!" he screamed as he violently waved his tenticles around.

He made a break for the door but Pein used his Deva path ability to manipulate gravity and sucked poor Kakuzu back in. The miser screamed as he was jumped by the angry mob but suddenly everyone stopped as they heard the main door in the other room open and a form walk in, "Ah its good to be back...**If you say so**." Everyone's eyes widened as they heard the source of their miracle drug come home from his mission.

The group of people crept to the door leading to the entrance to the living room and looked out. They saw Tobi dance into the living room, his location before unknown as he ran up to Zetsu and hugged the plant man, "Hello Zetsu-sama how was your mission!" "Good...**Bad**" the sides disagreed and Tobi laughed before walking with the plant man down the hall towards his room.

Everyone looked at each other, "What are we waiting for! Lets get the son of a bitch" yelled Kisame but was held back by Pein, "No you fool! Zetsu has the ability to merge with anything so he is great at making quick escapes...we need to wait till hes asleep." They all nodded but thought, "So...whos gonna do it?"

The group of crazed druggies heard laughing and looked back to see Kakuzu slowly push himself up from the ground, "Well well...since I was able to addict you all I'm sure I can easily get more of that drug...but its gonna cost you a little extra because of that outburst." The group looked at each other and sighed, "What do you want?" Pein asked and Kakuzu grinned, "Well from now on I am the unquestioned ruler of the Akatsuki." Deva path nodded, "Done."

It was midnight as Zetsu slept softly in his room clad with various carnivorust plants. His black side was snoring softly while the white side remained quiet as the new leader of the Akatsuki crept into the room, a pair of giant gardening sheers in his hands. Sneaking over to the plant he began to lower the sheers until the snoring abruptly stopped and he was met with a pair of yellow orbs, "...can we help you Kakuzu-san?...**What the fuck are you doing in here?**" Kakuzu quickly hid the sheers behind his back and looked around like he came to a sudden realization, "Ooooh...this isn't my room hahaha."

Zetsu stared at him like he knew that he didn't believe him. As Kakuzu slowly backed out of the room Zetsu thought to himself, "Well...it seems that they found out our little secret...**You mean how our father was a marjuana plant and our mother was an opium plant?**...Precisely." The multicolored abomination thought for a second before an evil smirk formed on his lips.

Kakuzu groaned to himself as he layed his head down on couch. There was no way he was going to sleep in his room with everyone breathing down his neck. He knew he was going to be dead tommorow when everyone found out he failed but that didn't seem to be a problem as Zetsu slowly came up from the ground, "Well it seems the miser has addicted the entire organization with our drug...**Hmhmhm very intresting, but wait, it seems that he is not addicted himself**...Seems we should do something about that"

Kakuzu's eyes widened as he suddenly felt his mouth be covered by Zetsu's hand. As he struggled to get away he saw Zetsu's other hand come closer to his mouth, a lit joint in his hand, "**Open wide.**"

Across the base Tobi sat in a small room, mending the small cracks in his mask he had recieved from Hidan when he fell in the bathroom. Without the mask Tobi's Uchiha features were striking but they were overlooked as he grinned like an idiot to himself as he glued the last piece of the mask together. However he soon felt something was wrong with the base, "Something is wrong...yes I know...Well it is really late I don't know if you can say it is 'too quiet'...yes Madara-sama". Suddenly Tobi's body went limp with eyes closed, and when they opened up he seemed to take on an entirely different persona.

Madara growled to himself as he slipped on his mask and rose from his seat. As he headed down the long hallway he paused as he passed a certain room. Hearing soft moans he looked into the room to see Itachi tossing and turning on the bed in obvious suffering. Madara stared for a few more seconds trying to decifer what the other Uchiha was suffering from. It seemed like he was going through some kind of withdraw, but Itachi was not a drug user besides the ones he used for his blindness so what kind of drug could it be from.

He noticed the absense of Kisame and started to speed walk down the hallway taking notice that all the bedrooms were vacant. As he reached the throne room he pushed open the doors and came upon a most shocking scene. The scene was actually very similiar to when Kakuzu was sitting the throne. There was the bellydancing Konan, fanning Pein and Kisame, footstool Hidan, and maid Deidara. However the two differences were that Zetsu was sitting in the throne and Kakuzu was giving the plant a massage with his stiches.

Madara slammed the doors shut as everyone turned to him, "What is the meaning of this?!" Most of the members were shocked at Tobi's sudden persona changed but Pein and Konan gasped, "Madara-sama!" they yelled and Zetsu grinned from his postion on the throne, "Well...we always knew you were an Uchiha...**But Madara?...This is intresting**."

Madara snarled, "What have you done to them you freak?!" Zetsu smirked, "I just finished what dear Kakuzu started. They are addicted from the plant trimmings you helped cut...**They are now my slaves!**" Deidara was a little taken back, "My partner...is Madara Uchiha, un?" Zetsu smirked, "**The first person to bring me the head of Madara Uchiha gets all the drugs they can smoke!**" Everyone put common sense aside as they began to walk towards the Uchiha warlord.

As everyone charged Madara, with their different jutsus and attacks activated Madara simply became untouchable as all the attacks fazed right through him causing a major pile up of confused Akatsuki members in the corner of the room. Zetsu gasped slightly as Madara began to slowly walk towards the plant, sharingan activated, "Ma-Madara sir I can explain!**...It was all Kakuzu's fault! I merely took advantage of the situation!**" Madara continued to close the gap, unsympathetic, "And you decided to take my position as leader...is that correct?" "I...**I um...**well you see." The last thing Zetsu saw before he passed out was the dreaded red eye of the sharingan permeating through the orange mask.

Birds chirped softly on the outiside of the Akatsuki hideout as the sun slowly rose in the city. Deidara groaned as he awoke from bed, rubbing his bright blue eyes. As he looked around he realized he didn't remember what he did last night...or all of yesterday for that matter. Getting up he stumbled down the halls and into the kitchen. His eyes widened when he saw all the members at the kitchen table. Though they usually all sat there in the mornings, their faces seemed frightened and irritable as Deidara sat down, "So...funniest thing...I can't remember yesterday" "Join the club" muttered Hidan as he slowly began to eat his cereal.

Suddenly Tobi came bouncing into the room in his neverending hapy state, "Maaaan that was sure some party we had last night!" he laughed, "You guys can suuuure drink a lot!" he continued as he took a seat next to his sempai. All the members looked at each other, so that was why they didn't remember anything. However Pein soon realized something, "Hey...wheres Zetsu?" Tobi smirked behind his mask, his sharingan unseen by everyone.

Zetsu was in a world of darkness. He paniced as he looked around feeling himself trapped in an enclosed space with seemingly no way out. Last thing he remembered was that he was looking into a sharingan as a voice screamed, "Tsykuyomi!" He suddenly noticed a circular light above him and moved his body upwards until he came out into the world very different then his own.

Blocks with question marks and bricks hung in the air, turtles walked upright, and black bullets flew through the sky with little faces on them. Zetsu himself soon realized he was sticking out of a giant green pipe, and that he was now colored red with white pokadots. Wondering where he was he looked around to see if there was anybody around to tell him.

With slight relief he noticed a pudgy little man in overalls and a hat with a giant M on it running towards him. He smiled politely and was about to ask the man a question until he realized that a small fireball was forming in the man's hand as he glared at Zetsu. Zetsu tried to move but realized he was stuck in the pipe as the man threw the fireball, and Zetsu screamed like a girl.

Madara smirked to himself as he passed by Zetsu's room and saw the plantman shivering on the bed, trapped in his genjutsu. Closing the door he walked away with satisfaction that he was able to defend his title of rightful leader of the Akatsuki. He wouldnt torture the plant for 72 hours, afterall Tobi really liked the guy. But a couple more hours couldn't hurt...right?

_Author's Notes: Well there you have it, probably one of the most random ideas for an Akatsuki story ever, but hell I guess it was orginal...right? Please review, they are greatly appreciated and will motivate me to make more chapters._


	3. Eye of the Immortal

House of the Akatsuki

_Author's Notes: In order to understand all the characters in here you should have at least seen Naruto episode 142/143 and know of the main bad guys of those episodes. With that said, enjoy._

The inside of a small warehouse in the middle of Rain Country was alive with the screams and cheers of dozens of dirty men and women as they crowded around a small ring that sat in the middle of the equally dirty warehouse.

Although most of the Rain Country citizens were out of their seats and cheering as two combatants clashed in the middle, three cloaked figures sat motionless in their folding chairs as they stared intently at the fight going on between two average citizens.

The first was a hooded man with abnormal eyes and stitches which went unseen under the red cloud cloak. He held in his hand several tickets and were clutching them for dear life because they had cost him several hundred dollars to purchase.

The second man, or fish-like man with blue skin and gills sat with a small smirk on his face, and one ticket in his hands. Chuckling every couple of seconds as the men grappled and peformed various wrestling moves, "Hmn...I could tear these chumps apart like paper if given the chance." He was talking mostly to the smaller form sitting next to him who held a dull look in his red eyes.

"Hmn" the form grunted in response as as he stared, very bored at the amatuer display before them. He held in his hands no tickets, for he thought that gambling was a waste of time and money. His eyes did widen slightly as one of the men was tossed from the ring and landed a few rows in front of the three Akatsuki members.

The cheers escalated as the man laid motionless on the ground, the other man in the ring rasing his hands up in the air in victory. Kisame looked at his ticket and grinned, "Alright, I won fourty dollars" he laughed and looked over at Kakuzu, "How about you Kakuzu-san?" Kakuzu growled and stood from his seat, "I just lost three hundred bucks!" he yelled and pushed his way a couple of rows forward towards the downed man.

Pushing away two medics who were treating the man Kakuzu picked him up and roughly tossed him back into the ring, "Get your ass back in there!" he screamed and the poor man staggered to his feet only to be knocked out cold by a pile driver from the other wrestler.

Kakuzu growled in defeat as the man was carried out of the ring on a stretcher. The miser grumbled as he sat back down next to Itachi and Kisame who gave him looks of disapproval from what he had just done to the poor man.

When the ring was clear a man came into the center of it with a cocky smirk on his face. After brushing away several strands of his long silver hair he gripped the microphone that was lowered down to the ring and everyone immediatly hushed to see what this man had to say.

"Good day dirty peasents of Rain Country, my name is Mizuki, former Jonin of Konoha!" Boos immeidatly erupted from the crowd at being called peasents, except for the three Akatsuki members because neither of the three were from Rain Country. Mizuki chuckled and continued, "I have come here to issue a challenge to you. The ties between Rain and Leaf have long been weak and I would love to see who has the strongest warriors. So I am offering 100,000 dollars to anybody who thinks they can beat Konoha's greatest fighters!"

Kisame heard dripping coming from next to him and looked over to see Kakuzu drooling through his mask and onto the floor obviously because of the large sum of money to be made. In fact several of the spectators were already jumping over the railings of the makeshift ring and approaching Mizuki who growled, "No not me you idiots! I am talking about two legendary criminals!"

Everyone stopped and stared at Mizuki confused, and the silver haired man just chuckled, "Yes, I am talking about two of the most diabolical demons to ever come out of Konoha's prison system. They murdered their own comrades for the simple purpose of food. Their hunger is legendary along with their strength and anybody with the will to live should leave immediatly!"

Mizuki got the reaction he wanted as several of the men who were just about to jump him had begun to back out of the ring, fear evident on their various faces as he described the fighters he was about to bring out. "Fools!" he yelled at the fleeing men who tensed up in fear, "It is too late! I bring you the demons of doom, the diabolical duo, the most evil of evil! I bring you the legendary stupid brothers of Konoha, Fujin and Raijin!!!" Mizuki screamed and pointed at the doorway where the fighters were supposed to appear.

Seconds of awkward silence ensued before a chubby head with a small beard popped out of the hallway, "Um...now big brother?" Fujin asked and Mizuki just growled, "Yes now!" and suddenly both Fujin and Raijin ran towards the small doorframe, "Dun dun dun duh!!!" They yelled stupidly but unfortunatly because of their sizes and the fact that they were running right next to each other the two got lodged in between the doorframe.

After a minute of struggling they came loose and ended up face down on the ground. A couple of seconds later the crowd erupted in spontanious laughter including Kisame, and even Itachi had a small smirk on his face as the two groaned and got on their hands and knees. Mizuki massaged his head from the headache he was getting which became even worse as the two stupid brothers decided to crawl to the ring instead of walk.

When they got close enough to Mizuki they both looked up and began to stick their tounges out, "Look big brother! We're lizards!" they yelled in unison which only resulted in more laughter coming from the audience. Mizuki sighed and pulled out a packet of twinkies, "Look you two idiots, get your asses up right now and act serious or the twinkies go bye-bye." Both brothers gasped and stood up straight in attention, "We are sorry big brother!" Fujin yelled, "Yes, please don't make the twinkies go bye-bye!" Raijin added.

After giving each of the brothers one of the tasty treats Mizuki once again gripped the microphone, "Anyone who can defeat Fujin and Raijin will recieve the cash prize, you can use any weapons you may have, and they will take on any amount of fighters at a time."

The various Rain country spectators pulled out kunai and throwing stars and charged the two unsuespecting idiots as Mizuki jumped from the ring and stood on the sidelines. Kisame felt a tug on his cloak and looked over to Kakuzu, "Lets go Kisame, we can use that cash prize" he yelled and the fishman sighed and looked over at Itachi, "Coming Itachi?" Itachi who had seen the legendary idiots fight before only smirked slyly, "I think i'll watch...have fun."

Kisame and Kakuzu approached the crowd of people in the ring who seemed to swarm the two brothers. However seconds later masses of screams erupted as various citizens went flying from the pile and into the vacant chairs around the ring. As Kisame and Kakuzu came closer they saw the brothers flinging away combatants like flies and Kisame began to come to a halt, "Um...i'm not so sure about this Kakuzu...Kakuzu?" Kisame asked and looked to his side to see that the miser was gone.

Looking back at the brothers he saw Kakuzu approaching them while moaning, "100,000 dollars" over and over again. That is until one of the brother's fists connected with Kakuzu's face and the older man went flying from the ring and through a wall on the other side of the warehouse.

Kisame stared at the hole in horror before feeling a presence in front of him. Looking forward poor Kisame realized that he was the only one left in the ring who was concious and the two brothers were looking at him, with a look of hunger in their eyes, "Mmm look Raijin, a fish man." "I loooove fishsticks Fujin." Kisame could only back away slowly as the two began to approach him, "Maybe we should cook the fish man and see what he tastes like." Kisame screamed as the two grasped onto him before he recieved a punch to the head and his world blacked out.

Kakuzu groaned as he came back into conciouness and came face to face with Deidara. The old man screamed before realizing he wasn't in the warehouse, but instead back at the Akatsuki base and in his bed. Deidara hushed him, "Relax Kakuzu your ok. Itachi dragged your ass back here-" the blonde started and he saw the Uchiha staring at him silently from a small seat in the corner of the room, "-only...we couldn't find Kisame."

The door to the room flung open suddenly and the naked form of Kisame came stumbling in. The poor man seemed to have batter all over him as he fell to his knees and gasped for air, "Oh thank God! Those crazy brothers breaded me and were about to dump me in a giant vat of oil! If I didn't tell them my sword was a giant candy bar I would have been a fishstick by now" he moaned as Deidara came to his aid, helping the man stand up and escorting him to a couch where he abruptly collapsed.

The blonde turned and looked at Kakuzu, "What the hell happened to you guys?!" he asked in anger that Kisame-sempai and Kakuzu-sempai were in such bad conditions, and just a little mad that Itachi was perfectly fine. "We got the shit kicked out of us by these two overgrown idiots!" Kisame said as he tossed and turned in agony. "They thought it was nessecary to engage in combat with the legendary stupid brothers of Konoha in order to obtain a cash prize" Itachi muttered and Deidara looked at Kakuzu, "Fujin and Raijin? Are you guys insane those two idiots are way too strong to take on in a wrestling match." Kisame choked up some stuffing that was forced down his throat, "We-_CHOKE_-know that now!"

Later on that night Deidara rose from his bed and headed towards the kitchen to get a glass of milk. Upon entering the living room he flipped on the light and gasped slightly when he saw Kakuzu sitting on the floor next to a coffee table and writing away on a small piece of paper. Various crumbled pieces of paper littered the floor and Deidara approached the man who seemed to be mumbling to himself, "Um...Kakuzu-sempai?" The old man growled and turned to the blonde, "What?!"

Deidara flinched at the tone of the voice but continued anyway, "What...are you doing?" Kakuzu sighed and looked at the piece of paper he was writing on, "I'm trying to come up with a strategy to beat those two brothers and win the cash prize." Deidara picked up one of the pieces of crumbled paper and read one of the plans, "Giant ray gun?" the blonde asked and Kakuzu blushed slightly, "As you can see I can't seem to think of anything. I was thinking about getting the other Akatsuki members in on it but if I get Pein or Konan then the money would go directly to the organization. Kisame is still traumatized, Zetsu wouldn't go for it, neither would Itachi, Tobi is a fucking moron, and I doubt you would want to get your ass handed to you."

The two seemed to be deep in thought as Deidara muttered, "We need someone who doesn't know about their strength...someone who can take a lot of body damage and still be ok to fight...someone who is stupid and prideful enough that they wouldn't back down...someone like-" Suddenly a man with slicked back white hair came stomping into the room, "Hey will you two turn that fucking light off and go to sleep?!" Both Kakuzu and Deidara smirked at the confused form before them, "-Hidan" Deidara finished his sentence with a sly tone.

It was bright and early the next morning that three cloaked men made their way towards the distant warehouse which was holding yet another wrestling event. Although two of the men calmy paced themselves towards the approaching building, a third silver haired man seemed to pace a little slower behind them, "You know its funny. I wouldn't have expected them to have a Jashinist convention in Rain Country" Hidan began and Deidara chuckled nervously while Kakuzu thought of what to say next, "Oh well you know, thanks to you always spreading the word of Jashin every fucking place you go many have converted and decided to have a get together."

This seemed to be enough to apease the cautious Jashinist and with that they walked through the front doors of the warehouse, the cheers of the crowd echoing through the large building.

Deidara left the other two and took a seat in the crowd while Kakuzu led Hidan towards the ring. Hidan was once again put on edge, "Um...Kakuzu thats a wrestling ring, and these freaks don't look like Jashinists." Kakuzu just laughed it off, "Nonsense Hidan, you always say the first commandment of Jashin is to cause as much destruction as possible." Hidan eyed the miser with suspicion before a masked wrestler carrying a large kitana walked into the ring.

A microphone was lowered into the ring once again but this time a well dressed man took hold of it, "Thank you all for coming out to the first annual fight to the death event. Eight combatants have bravely volunteered to commense in mortal combat." Hidan grinned at the idea of eight men battling it out to the death, "The eight will be reduced to just two men and those two will tag team against the two reigning champions, the legendary stupid brothers Fujin and Raijin!"

Cheers erupted throughout the building while Hidan chuckled, "Wow Kakuzu this is great! Eight idiots killing each other for our amusement!" the Jashinist laughed but never noticed the evil glint in Kakuzu's abnormal eyes. The well dressed man first pointed towards the masked wrestler, "First up we have a local favorite, the masked maruador, the samurai from down under, the man who fights for honor, presenting Mushi Wasabi!!!" he screamed and cheers once again erupted througout the arena.

Hidan was slightly confused that their was only one fighter but his face paled when the man continued, "And his opponent hailing from Yugakure-" Hidan's eyes widened, "-Part of the deadly mercenary group called Akatsuki-" Hidan turned to Kakuzu, "-The saint of the Jashin religon-" "Kakuzu you didn't" Hidan muttered, "Rain country's most foul mouthed immortal, Hidan!!!" As the cheers commenced Hidan suddenly felt dark threads wrap around his body before he was abruptly tossed into the ring.

Quickly getting to his feet he turned around and looked over the ropes, glaring daggers at his partner, "Kakuzu you fucking cunt! What the fucks the big idea signing me up for a fight to the death?!" Kakuzu rolled his eyes and sighed, "What are you complaining for? Your immortal, you basically got this contest in the bag and then we are $100,000 richer."

"Begin!" yelled the announcer but Hidan never registered it as he continued glaring at his partner. Next thing he knew a kitana was sticking out of his stomach as the masked samurai pierced the Jashinist's heart. The cheers grew in momentum as the samurai raised a fist in victory. However he didn't expect a voice, "The fuck asshole, that hurt." The masked samurai's eyes widened as he pulled his sword out and jumped to the other side of the ring in a ready stance.

Kakuzu and Deidara grinned slyly at the shocked faces of the crowd as Hidan turned around and glared daggers at the man who just shoved a sword through him, "Oh your a dead motherfucker Mr. Wasabi" Hidan growled before reaching behind him and pulling out his most prized three bladed scythe.

Being the showoff he was Hidan began to twirl the scythe around in a stylish manner before he heard a slashing sound. His eyes slowly widened as his arm fell to the ground and he couldn't help but blush as the audience and his opponent laughed at him from accidentaly cutting off his own arm.

Growling, the immortal rushed his opponent and flailed the scythe around wildley as the samurai gracefully dodged each attack, "You wack disipwine" the man said in a stereotypical Asian accent. "Yeah and you 'wack' the English language motherfucker" (I know they don't speak English but whatever) Hidan screamed before recieving a rather painful slash across the abdomen and had his intestines fall all over the small ring.

Hidan looked down at his guts and back at the shocked samurai, "Aww you asshole I just got done cleaning those" and the samurai threw his hands up in anger, "Dissa some bullsheeeet!!!" he screeched and decided to disarm the immortal by slashing his kitana into the scythe.

The scythe flew from the ring and imbedded itself into one of the more unlucky spectators. Hidan backed away shocked that he was not only disarmed but also diembowled and was also missing an arm. However he decided to solve both problems and quickly picked up his severed arm and held it in front of him like a weapon.

The samurai's eyes widened before he began to laugh, his eyes closing tight from his outburst of laughter. That is before he was suddenly bitchslapped across the face with an arm that wasn't even connected to a body. Opening his eyes in suprise Hidan tackled the guy to the ground and commenced beating the shit out of him with his severed arm.

Deidara sitting in his seat started laughing, "This is some high quality entertainment." Chewing caught Deidara's attention and he turned to see Tobi sitting in the seat next to him, eating popcorn through his eyehole, "You said it Deidara-sempai!" Tobi exclaimed cheerfully as Deidara began fuming, "Where the fuck did you come from?!"

A moment later Hidan was standing over the battered corpse of Mushi Wasabi holding his severed arm in the air in victory. After another minute of showboating Kakuzu quickly dragged him from the ring along with his various guts and body parts.

As the next fight began which consisted of a pirate versus a masked midget, Kakuzu began reattaching Hidan's arm and stuffing his organs back into his body. "You know Kakuzu, for being an old greedy bastard, that was pretty fun" Kakuzu continued his stitching, "Yeah yeah, look you still have one more fight to go before you can take on the champions." Although Hidan usually rushed into a fight without question he wanted to know what was so special about this 'Fujin and Raijin', "Hey Kakuzu, what are these brothers like?"

Kakuzu stopped the stitching momentarily and looked into his partner's purple eyes, "Lets just say they are more stupid then you are" Kakuzu said before chuckling lowly. Hidan began to chuckle himself as Kakuzu went back to stitching before the Jashinist's eyes shot open in a sudden realization, "You motherfuc-" he began before he felt a large form slam into his back and throw him to the ground. Kakuzu looked down at his partner's groaning form who had an unconcious pirate laying on top of him. Looking up into the ring his eyebrow raised as 'the masked midget' jumped up and down in victory.

After another two matches Hidan once again walked into the ring, a smug look on his face. However that face faultered as an old man who looked over 100 walked into the ring, obviously blind from his sunglasses and cane which the man apparently used for both walking and seeing.

The well dressed man took the microphone, "Welcome to the semi-final round! In this corner we have a rising favorite, the mass murdering immortal, Hidan!" Hidan raised his hands up as the crowed erupted into cheers while Kakuzu massaged his temples and gave an aggravated sigh.

The man then pointed to the old blind man, "And in this corner we have a veteran of over 10 great wars, the first being the War of 1812. He was married 27 times and divorced 28, somehow. The blind bandit, the elder of entertainment I give you Leroy Genkins!" The crowd, though confused cheered anyway as Hidan walked up to the man and began to wave his reattached hand in front of the man's face to see if he really was blind.

When he got no reaction Hidan began laughing and pointed towards the man while looking at Kakuzu, "This? This is the guy I have to beat? This dried up prune is even older then you Kakuzu" Hidan laughed as Kakuzu sighed, "Hidan...turn around."

Whipping around Hidan recieved a face full of cane as he fell to the ground with a yell, "Old huh? I ain't oooold sonny boy" the man said in a brittle and dazed voice. Hidan growled and got up putting his fists up in a fighting stance, "Alright father time you wanna go?!" Hidan screamed and threw a punch out. However everyone was in for a suprise as the punch was quickly parried and countered with an open palm to the chest with a force that the man shouldn't have possessed.

Eating floor once again Hidan growled and decided to finish this guy off the old fashion way, with tons of blood and gore. Pulling his scythe from his back he charged the man who could sense his movements through vibrations in the wrestling ring's floor.

Swaying back and forth the man dodged every attack, once or twice using his cane to bat the scythe away and smack Hidan across the face, "You should respect your elders" the old man muttered and Hidan growled, "I don't respect my partner and I certainly don't respect you." Kakuzu fumed, "Stop making fun of my age!"

After two minutes of being beat down with a cane Hidan was able to graze the man with his scythe. Pulling back Hidan grinned at the small droplets of crimson blood that stained the tip of the first blade of his precious weapon. The crowd watched in awe as Hidan licked the blood and then procedded to paint the symbol of Jashin on the ring's floor.

The blind man stood in a ready stance on the other side of the ring, waiting for Hidan to attack again. Hidan then began to cackle madly, "I'm afraid your times up old man!" he yelled and then pulled a stake from his cloak. With a readied sigh he plunged the stake deep within his heart and cried in ecstasy as the pain coarsed through him.

Hidan opened his eyes back up with a smirk but stared confused as the old man continued to stand unscaved, "What the fuck? How come your hearts not pierced?" The old man smirked and then raised his hands to his shirt. Pulling the collar down past his chest Hidan stared in shock at the long line of stitches that were over where the man's heart was supposed to be, "I had my heart removed 30 years ago after my 12th heart attack."

In the crowd Deidara's jaw dropped, "How is that even possible, un?!" Back at ringside Kakuzu sighed, "So much for stealing his heart after the battle" he muttered to himself as Hidan fumed and charged the man in anger, his skin turning from it's milky white to it's skeletal Jashin shade.

The old geezer readied his cane and when Hidan was within striking distance he suddenly felt himself being poked on certain parts of his body. Falling to the ground motionless Hidan tried to move his limbs but to no avail, "The fuck?" The man gave a dark chuckle, "I cut off your chakra points sonny. Now all I have to do his cut off the one to your brain and your immortality will mean nothing once your braindead."

Hidan's eyes widened in fear as the man's cane slowly approached his head. He had quick thoughts of laying braindead in a hospital room for all of eternity before the cane dropped to the ground and the man clutched his left arm with his right hand.

Hidan's eyebrow raised in confusion as the left side of the man's body became more sluggish and his face began to droop, "Oh no, I'm stroking out! Oh criminy" he muttered before he stumbled back and fell over the ropes to the ring. "My hip!" Hidan heard a voice scream before everything went quiet.

A minute later Hidan got the feeling back in his limbs and slowly stood up and met the cheers of the bewildered crowd. Stumbling to the side of the ring he hoped off and watched as two medics took old man Jenkins out in a bodybag, "What the fuck just happened?" he asked Kakuzu who laughed as he escorted Hidan away from the ring, preparing for the final match.

_Author's Notes: I'm gonna end it here as to not make this chapter too long, please read and review if you have the time._


	4. Enter the retard

House of the Akatsuki Chapter 4

A half hour later boos erupted from the crowd as Mizuki casually walked towards the ring, the two stupid brothers Fujin and Raijin coming up behind him, waving to the crowd obliviously unaware of the hate for them. Stepping into the ring the silver haired traitor to Leaf grabbed the hanging microphone with a smirk, "Well, it seems that we finally have are two contestents brave enough to take on the stupid brothers. And what a suprise-" he began as he read the names off of a card, "-It seems neither of them are from this shitty, rundown, poor excuse for a city." The boos increased and Mizuki couldn't help a sly grin.

Hidan stepped into the ring, glaring daggers at the two brothers who smiled back. However seconds later he felt a tap on his leg and looked down to see a midget wearing a mask waving to him, "Yo mack, names Masked Midget. Looks like i'm gonna be your tag-team partner for this round so lets kick these guys asses and get that mon-" _SLICE_ The masked midget's eyes widened and he looked down just in time to see the top half of his body fall away from the bottom before he was sprawled out dead on the mat.

Kakuzu screamed in shock as Hidan held his bloody scythe with a bored expression, "Oh my God Hidan why the fuck did you do that?!" Hidan shrugged his shoulders, "I don't like midgets." Kakuzu clasped his head in agony, "He was your tag-team partner you moron!!!" Hidan raised an eyebrow, "Whats a tag-team?"

Just as Kakuzu was about to strangle the immortal, Mizuki laughed into the microphone, "Well well looks like we only have one contestant for this tag-team match, I guess Hidan forfeits and we keep our money" he laughed while boos echoed throughout the building, "That is...unless somebody is man enough to take his place."

The boos disapated into awkward silence, everyone too afraid to step forward even if the money could very well change their lives. Even Kakuzu slowly backed away from the arena. In the stands Deidara looked around quickly for a substitute before his eyes fell upon a familiar orange mask. Grinning the bomber pulled out a small piece of candy and tossed it forward into the wrestling ring.

Nudging the idiot next to him Tobi looked over quizzically as his partner pointed into the ring, "Hey Tobi, look at that, candy" "Candy!" Tobi screamed and jumped from his seat and raced down the rows of people before jumping over the ropes into the ring.

As he picked up the candy he paused as applause erupted from the crowd. Looking around confused he finally settled on Mizuki who laughed, "Well well, it seems that we have a challenger!" Tobi looked at Mizuki and pointed at himself, "Who me?" The silver-haired man nodded and Tobi heard Hidan groan behind him.

A second later Mizuki jumped over the ropes and the bell rung. Everyone put on their serious faces in an epic stareoff. On one side Fujin and Raijin narrowed their brows, and puffed out their chests glaring at the two Akatsuki members. On the other side a pair of purple eyes and a single sharingan only visible to the two stupid brothers also glared back with a strong hate.

In the stands a single bead of sweat dripped down Deidara's nose in anticipation, along with the rest of the crowd. However just as the silence reached it's climax a gloved hand shot out in the pose for a handshake as Tobi tilted his head in a friendly motion, "Hello i'm Tobi!" Everyone in the crowd sweatdropped and Deidara fell down anime style, but to everyone's suprise both of the brothers took turns shaking the masked idiot's hand, "Helloooo i'm Fujin and this is my brother Raijin!" "Hello!" both brothers greeted the man.

Deidara couldn't believe Tobi's blatent display of stupidity but he surmised that three idiots was better then one in Deidara's opinion. Hidan watched in confusion as the three began small talk about the candy Tobi was holding along with all kinds of food.

With a groan the albino pulled his sythe out and threw it at Raijin. With a loud "Ow!" Raijin stumbled back and clutched his head. Fujin turned towards his brother in worry, "Raijin whats wrong?!" "Bad men threw a sharp stick at my head!" Suddenly the two's persona totally changed into raging bulls as they towered over Tobi and began to move in.

Tobi cowered until he heard a voice in the back of his head, _'Tobi throw your fist out, sucker punch him!' _"Ma-Madara-sama!" _'Yes Tobi, and if you don't want to die then hit the fat slob!'_

Tobi nodded confidently and threw his fist out connecting with Fujin's jaw with a loud clang. Everything fell silent as Tobi continued to hold his fist against the glaring Fujin who didn't budge at all from the punch, _'Oh shit, run kid!' _Madara screamed and Tobi took off for the other side of the ring, screaming like a girl while nursing his broken hand.

Hidan sighed and retracted his sycthe as the two brothers charged in. Swinging it he made direct contact with Fujin's head but he might as well hit a concrete wall as not even a gash was evident on the fuming man's face as he procedded to pick up Hidan.

"Hey put me down you fat fuck!" screamed Hidan as he found himself being picked up before he was body slammed to the ground, "Ah damnit" he yelled but it came out as muffle shrieks of terror as Fujin sat on the Jashinist.

On one side of the ring Tobi gripped the ropes with one hand and reached his other out towards Kakuzu as Raijin tried to pull him back in, "Kakuzu-senpai help me!!!" he pitifully screamed but it fell on deaf ears as Kakuzu turned away as Tobi was pulled back in.

After being stomped on for five minutes Fujin looked at Raijin, "Hey brother you thinking what i'm thinking?" Raijin nodded and they brought Hidan and Tobi closer together, "Kissy face!" they yelled playfully as Fujin pulled Tobi's mask up just enough so his mouth was exposed.

"Oh fuck no!" Hidan screamed as he was pushed towards Tobi, "Whats kissy fa-mmm!!!" Tobi began but was muffled by Hidan's lips forcefully pushed onto him. The two struggled, Hidan shouting obscineites into Tobi's mouth, both blushing madly.

Everyone in the audience laughed, several of the girls and the more 'efeminite' men whistling or taking pictures. A couple seconds later they were pulled away, both gasping for air. Tobi once again heard a voice in the back of his head, 'Thats it this is getting too gay, literally. I'm taking over kid.' Tobi was more then happy to agree as his body went limp in Raijin's grip for a couple of seconds before he regained conciouness, and the sharingan flared.

Raijin's eyes widened slightly as Tobi seemed to faze right out of his grip, "Huh, whats up with masked man?" he asked and Madara chuckled evily. He would normally remove his mask when in conciousness but didn't want to give away his identity. Instead he pointed at the man. "Fool, prepare for 72 hours of torture!" Since the idiot seemed to like food he was about to put him through 3 days of no food but his sharingan widened in suprise as nothing happened.

"Don't tell me..." Madara muttered to himself, "...the fat pig is so stupid that he cannot comprehend the sharingan staring at him." Sighing in defeat the Uchiha decided to use his uber ninja skills and was behind the man in a second trying to put him in a sleeper hold.

Madara gripped the man's thick neck, his feet hanging off the ground because of the brother's enormous size, "Don't...fight it, just...slip into sweet unconciousness" madara muttered while struggling to keep his grip as the man stood motionless.

With a sigh Raijin reached his hand behind his head and grabbed Madara by the collar of his cloak. Holding the man in front Madara was too shocked to faze out as the brother brought his leg back and kicked him in the ass so hard that he flew across the ring and into one of the turnbuckles.

Raijin laughed triumphently but out of the corner of his eye he saw Fujin stumble up to him, "Brother..." Turning, Raijin's eyes widened at the sight of Fujin. A big hole was going straight through his chest and blood was dripping from his mouth, "...I don't feel so good" he muttered in pain before falling to his knees and down to the ground.

When he fell to the ground Raijin saw behind his body that Hidan was standing in a small circle, his skin turned skeletal as a big spike hung through his chest in the same place that Fujin had. "I never had to get a blood sample from a guy's ass cheek before but I guess there is a first time for everything" Hidan muttered while grinning at the last remaining brother.

In the stands all the spectators began to cheer madly at the sight of the downed brother, and Deidara raised his hands up, "Yeah! Go Hidan, kill those fuckers, un!" Even Kakuzu laughed and turned to Mizuki who stared on shocked, "Looks like they aren't as legendary as you say" he muttered and Mizuki spared him a quick sneer before looking back at the match.

Raijin dropped to his knees in front of his brother and started to nudge him, "Br...brother?" he asked tears coming to his eyes. When he got no response his eyes became dark within a fraction of a second, and he stood up his whole body tingling with anger.

Breathing in and out he stomped his way towards Hidan who instinctivly took a couple of steps back. Halfway through his walk Raijin felt solid steel contact with the back of his head and he half-turned to see Madara wailing on his head with a steel chair, "Take this fatty! And this, and this!" he yelled after every connection with the large man's head.

Raijin growled in irritation, and simply swatted the legendary Uchiha away as he continued his acscent towards his brother's harmer. Deidara's eyes widened as Madara flew through the air screaming before slamming through the vacant chair he was sitting in earlier. Deidara looked over at his partner and chuckled, "You suck Tobi".

Madara quickly turned to the blonde next to him, "Oh shut the fuck-I mean haha your right Deidara-Senpai" Madara chuckled nervously almost forgetting his cover. Deidara just stared wide-eyed at his partner and slowly turned his head back to the fight, "...Ooook then, un".

Hidan was stuck cowering in a corner of the ring, waving his scythe around wildly knowing full well it wouldn't do shit, "Back, back I say!" he screamed as Raijin ripped it from his hands and took a big bite out of the metal weapon. Hidan gulped as he was picked up by his head.

With as much force as the big man could muster he pulled on Hidan's head with such malice that it was torn off with a shriek and fell to the ground. Everyone in the audience gasped and hung their heads in respect for the death of their new favorite wrestler.

However their sympathy was proved futile when a bunch of curses directed towards Kakuzu came from the head, "Look what happened you motherfucker! This is all your fault!" screamed Hidan's head as Kakuzu sighed and began to move his threads into the ring before his hand was smacked away by Mizuki, "Hey freak you can't help, thats cheating!" he screamed and Kakuzu growled.

All hell erupted a few seconds later as Mizuki suddenly found himself being strangled by thick dark threads as he was being held off the ground, "I have had enough of your shit! Fuck this contest, I'll just kill your ass and take the money!" Kakuzu screamed as the man gasped for air.

In the audience all the spectators began a huge brawl started by a chain reaction caused by a thrown drink. In seconds fists flew along with the ocassional kunai and shuriken as every member in the audience was in a gigantic brawl excluding Deidara and Tobi who were devising a way to save Hidan.

Raijin picked up Hidan's growling head and was about to crush it with one hand when a shadow blocked out the lights above the ring. Looking up in curiousity the brother's eyebrow widened at the sight of a large clay bird with a blonde man sitting on top of it. However that confusion was replaced with shock when two smaller versions of the bird landed in the ring, "Katsu!" screamed Deidara and the ring went up in flames.

Screams and shrieks of terror interrupted the audience's brawl and caused everyone to begin stampeding to the door. Through the explosion could be heard a small yell that became progressivly louder before Hidan's head flew from the cloud of smoke and towards the crowd.

Luckily two gloved hands shot up from the crowd and caught Hidan's head, "I got you Hidan-sama!" screamed Tobi who had reverted back from Madara a minute ago. Hidan grinned at Tobi however both tensed when various people were thrown from the running crowd revealing Raijin's badly burned body charging at them in anger.

Just as the two were about to be run over by the furious brother a giant a bird flew overhead and Deidara grabbed Tobi and pulled him onto the bird heading for the exit.

Flying through the door and into the sky Deidara turned the bird around and kept it stationary as the three took in the sight down at the warehouse. Various people were still running from the warehouse however it seemed that Raijin still hadn't exited.

Making sure to rid themselves of him forever Deidara pulled out one of his signiture C4 bombs he used when trying to level Suna. Dropping it down through a window of the warehouse Tobi suddenly gasped, "Wait Senpai! Kakuzu-san is still inside!" Hidan and Deidara looked at each other for a moment before smirking and Deidara held his hands together, "Katzu!"

Screams were silenced at once as the explosion rocked through Rain Country as bodies flew through the air and the enormous metal warehouse imploded in a heap of smoke, dust, and schratnel. As the dust settled in the setting sun a large clay bird flew through the orange sky towards the biggest building in the city.

Pein hummed softly as he sipped his coffee while he headed for the stairs to spend some 'quality' time with Konan. However a large crash caused him to choke in his drink and after grimicing in pain from the hot beverage he ran into the main hallway and gasped at the sight before him.

One of the many large windows was gone, replaced by a trail of glass on the floor. His eyes followed the trail to a large hole in the wall occupied by a giant clay bird. Laying on the floor in front of the bird was Deidara, Tobi, and Hidan's head. "Ah damnit" Deidara groaned as he grasped his injured head.

"The hell happened?!" Pein asked in both worry and anger. All three looked in horror at their leader before both Deidara and Tobi took off for their room, "Ah sorry leader-sama we'll explain later!" yelled Deidara's fading voice, "Hey get the fuck back here! Don't leave me with him!" yelled Hidan's head before Tobi reentered the room, grabbed Hidan's head, bowed to Pein, and took off again.

Pein sighed as he left the hall and as he was about to climb the stairs a knock on the door caught his attention. Giving a frustrated groan the Akatsuki leader walked to the door, slowly opened, and was met with a miserable and charred Kakuzu, "Uh...hi Kakuzu...so what did you do today?" he asked his subordinate awkardly, "Wheres Deidara?" was Kakuzu's low reply.

Pein pointed at the stairs before Kakuzu trudged in, and Pein realized he was pulling on a rope with what looked like Hidan's body being dragged on the other end. Closing the door he turned around before said door was ripped from it's hinges in a fury of splinters. Turning around Deva-Pein's eyes widened at the sight of two very large and angry men.

Both looked like brothers and one had a hole in his chest, while the other seemed to be charred like Kakuzu, "Where is immortal man" they growled in unison and Pein raised a shaking finger to the stairs, "Thanks" they muttered before entering and climbing the stairs.

Pein breathed out a sigh and was about to turn around before a long silver haired man with bruises around his neck walked through the doorway and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, "Um...you see two guys, really big, look like twins?" Pein put a hand to his face and pointed to the stairs. Mizuki muttered a thanks before climbing the stairs, and Pein decided it was better to go for a walk right now expecially as various screams and yells erupted from upstairs.

With one last sigh the Akatsuki leader headed out into his city with a carefree whistle.


	5. Of Greenhouses and Goblins

_Author's Notes: Well this one is going to be a Zetsu-centered chapter and to comemerate the release of Batman: Arkham Asylum this story is going to be about Zetsu's secret hobby and his secret life. Enjoy and please review if you have the time, and favorites are always welcome._

House of the Akatsuki Chapter 5

Every country has its own percentage of crime and Rain Country is no exception, in fact it actually held the highest crime rate of all the surrounding areas do to the fact that it also held the highest poor rating too. True to it's name rain was currently falling onto the dimly lit streets of the city causing a murky fog to dim the streetlights further.

Inside a small convinence store an elderly woman held her hands up in fear as two masked shinobi held kunai at her, "Give us the money grandma!" "Yeah hurry it up you old hag!" The woman was frozen in place, not making any motion to get the money out of fear.

When the shinobi's patience wore thin they walked towards her to finish her off when she decided to scream, "Oh please won't somebody save me!" As the two men approached her they immediatly took a step back as the floor they were stepping on suddenly vibrated and a two toned, yellow eyed, masked man arose from the ground in front of the two petrified men, "Have no fear...**The Greenhouse Phantom is here!**" the masked man yelled, his flytrap flowing behind him like a cape.

The two shinobi looked at each other before growling and running at the Greenhouse Phantom only for him to easily parry their jabs and knock them to the ground unconcious. The old woman behind the counter was immediatly grateful, "Oh thank you so much Greenhouse Phantom!" The Phantom just gave a thumbs up, "**Just doing my job**...Ma'am." Suddenly the phantom threw his cape behind him dramatically as he turned around and headed out the door, "**Greenhouse Phantom away!"**

Things were quiet for about 15 seconds before the Phantom walked back in, "You know since i'm already in this part of town i should pick some milk up for the organization" he mumbled to the elderly lady who looked at him odd. When the Phantom walked up to the register he set the milk down and looked at the scratch off lottery tickets, "**Also give me two Win for Lifes**...Leader says no gambling...**Its a scratch off, hows he gonna find out?**"

The woman began to have second thoughts about this new hero as she rung him up, "That'll be $8.50." The Phantom looked into his wallet, "**You take visa?"** "Only with photo ID" she said and the Phantom put his card away, obviously not wanting to give out his secret identity, "**Fine just put the scratch offs back and i'll pay for the milk in cash**."

She put them back and he paid for the milk. As the Phantom was once again heading for the exit he looked at the unconcious thugs, "You know what, i'll do you a favor and take these thugs to the city jail for you." The old woman smiled, "Gee thanks" she said as the Greenhouse Phantom threw the men over his shoulders and walked out the door.

Fifthteen minutes later Zetsu was sitting on top of the roof of the small convience store, finishing eating the second thug. Slipping the last finger into his mouth he swallowed it fast and gave a satisfied 'ah', "**Man this superhero stuff can be hard but it sure is rewarding**...You said it." Zetsu smiled and with milk in hand he sunk into the ground and headed back to the organization.

He soon arrived at the large building that was the Akatsuki HQ and quietly crept around back and entered his greenhouse. Looking left and right to make sure no one was looking he walked over to a small potted plant, a baby venus flytrap and pulled the plant and soil out of the pot in one motion and pressed the little red button at the bottom of the clay pot.

A wall in he corner of the greenhouse opened up and Zetsu walked in before it slid shut again. Zetsu stood in the small cramped space for a few seconds, and looked at a small computer eye, "**Third floor**...Please."

Suddenly Zetsu began to descend down into the earth's crust in the mini elevator, humming softly to the elevator music the whole way down. When he was at the bottom he looked around the small room he referred to as the "Ghostly Greenhouse" and pulled off his small black mask and stuck it on a manniquin head next to a computer monitor.

Pressing a few buttons on the monitor, video of the city streets came onto view curtosiy of Pein's many security cameras around town that Zetsu hacked into. After several minutes of looking at the vacant city streets, he was confident that everything was peaceful for the night and logged off.

Walking to a corner of the small room he came upon a solid brick wall with a chalk outline he drew so he would know where to faze through. Casually fazing through the surface he came into a large dark basement which was the Akatsuki HQ's basement. Fazing through the wall of the basement was just one of the few ways he was able to gain access to his secret lair.

Walking up the steps to the main floor he headed for his bedroom when an orange masked kid came bouncing into the room, "Zetsu-san, Zetsu-san! A magazine came in the mail for you today" Tobi screamed happily and held a small brown package shaped like a magazine, "What is it Zetsu-san? Ooo is it a comic book, I just love comic books Zetsu-san!"

Zetsu's eyes widened at the small DC symbol on the corner of the package and he quickly swipped it from the hyperactive member, "**No! Its just my monthly gardening magazine**...Why aren't you in bed Tobi?" Tobi tilted his head cutely, "I couldn't sleep until Zetsu-san returned...where were you anyway?"

The plantman panicked and thought quick before noticing the bag of milk he had in his hand, "Just went out...**To get some milk**". Tobi looked at him funny, "Zetsu-san went out at 2 in the morning to get milk?" Zetsu blushed a little, "**Yes yes Zetsu-san went out at 2 am to get milk Tobi, now get off my back and go the fuck to sleep!**"

Zetsu was worried he hurt the boy's feelings but breathed a sigh of relief when Tobi started skipping to his room, "Ok Zetsu-sama, good night!" Sighing Zetsu sprinted to his room, passing by Deidara who was heading towards the kitchen for some milk, "Zetsu whats in your hand, un?" Zetsu groaned, "**None of your business blondie!**...I'm sorry Deidara we can't talk right now" he said and ran into his room, slamming the door much to Deidara's confusion.

He slid against the doorframe, giving a heavy sigh as he closed his eyes. Seconds later they shot open with glee and he gave a big smile as he tore the packaging away to reveal the newest Batman comic. Zetsu eyed the front cover which depicted the dark knight going toe to toe with a short fat man with a beak like nose, top hat, and umbrella, "Cool he fights the Penguin in this one...**Sweet!**"

Zetsu had been a fan of comic books since he was a kid. Growing up he didn't have many friends except for an older man who ran a comic shop. Everyday after the academy Zetsu would stop by the shop and the older man would chat with him and allow him to read the comics, something he usually only did when they bought them.

And on special occasions after Zetsu did his chores his parents would give him a quarter to get one of his favorite comics. He instantly fell in love with the dark knight, and the various villians of the comics. The white side of Zetsu loved Poison Ivy the most due to her plant like appearence and powers combined with the fact that it was his first childish crush.

The black side of Zetsu preferred Twoface because throughout all of his life he was the only person he could totally relate to. Two halfs with different personalities, both equally shunned by the public, something both sides of Zetsu could understand. Either way even as Zetsu grew up his love for comics never diminished.

Sadly though the lonely plant couldn't bring himself to tell the other Akatsuki of his obsession for all things comic related. He remembered once when Tobi brought a Spiderman comic home from a mission and he was immediatly harrassed and made fun of by Hidan and Deidara before the immortal burned the comic in front of the boy as he cried.

Zetsu thought of telling Tobi his secret but with the boy's big mouth it would get out eventually. Getting up from his position he walked over to his bed. Momentarily setting his comic on the bed he grabbed a jar of flies on his nightstand and after taking one out, fed it to his little venus flytrap next to the jar.

Hopping onto his bed Zetsu didn't even bother taking his cloak off as he began skimming through his comic, laughing at the Penguin's use of umbrellas as weapons. What he didn't see however was a scope looking through his keyhole.

Deidara grinned from his position as he continued to survey the plant reading his comic with the scope on his left eye, "So, un...the pussy plant likes comics does he?"

It was early morning the next day that Zetsu arose from his bed with a yawn. Hiding his comic under his bed he left his room and headed towards the kitchen. Even though he didn't eat with the rest of the group (For obvious reasons) Pein still preferred all members to attend breakfast.

However as he entered today he paused in confusion as all the members looked at him, some were smirking evilly while others looked emotionless. Taking his seat next to Hidan the immortal smirked and looked at him, "Well if it isn't the Akatsuki's favorite nerd!" Zetsu raised an eyebrow before Deidara jumped up from his seat and tied his cloak around his neck like a cape, "I am the Dark Knight!" he said and Kisame, Hidan, Pein, and Deidara himself laughed out loud.

The white side of Zetsu blushed madly while the black side glared at him, "**The fuck is your problem?!**" Hidan grinned, "The prooooblem is that we didn't know our spy was just a comic reading pussy." Kakuzu and Itachi just ignored the conversation while Konan growled at Hidan, "Shame on you Hidan, making fun of Zetsu-san because of his hobbies." Hidan just flipped her the bird as Tobi hugged his plant friend, "Cool Zetsu-san likes comics too! This is great we can go to the comic shop together, and conventions, and-"

As Tobi went on all the members began to laugh again except for the emotionless Itachi, and Kakuzu, but at this point even Konan was chuckling slightly at Zetsu's embarassment as Tobi continued to mention all the comic related things they could do.

With a frustrated groan Zetsu pushed Tobi away and sunk into the ground, the laughs of his co-workers echoing all the way down reminding him of High School all over again.

Later on that night a crying little girl stood below a big tree in the small park located in the middle of the city. She tried to reach desperatly towards her two cats, one a tabby cat and the other a siamese one. "Oh help, won't someone please save my poor kitties!" The ground suddenly rumbled below her and the Greenhouse Phantom emerged, putting his fists on his hips in a heroic pose, "No need to fear young girl!...**We'll get your damn cats**".

Normally the little girl would freak when seeing this masked monster but when hearing about her cat's saftey she was more then happy to let him. Zetsu merged with the tree and appeared at the top of it. The girl lost sight of them for a minute before she jumped slightly as Zetsu suddenly leaped to the ground with a tabby cat in his hands, "Here is your cat little girl."

The little girl took the cat and looked confused, "Thanks, but...where is my siamese cat?" Zetsu quickly slurped up the rest of a furry tail before wiping the blood from his mouth, "**Sorry kid, could only find this one**" he said and quickly sunk into the ground ignoring the crying girl.

It was midnight as Zetsu sat on the edge of one of the tallest buildings of Rain Country. He really hoped fighting crime would take his mind off the humiliation he suffered this morning but it didn't. Just as he was about to call it quits a nearby explosion caught his attention and he looked over to see smoke coming from a nearby bank. Quickly jumping off the building he flew head first into the ground but instead of splattering in a mess of blood, he merged into it and hurried towards the bank.

When he was a good 100 feet from the bank he came out of the ground and looked agasped at the huge hole in the bank. Looking in he saw that the vault had been blown off it's hinges with a powerful explosion. Raising an eyebrow he heard laughing and looked into the sky to see a man standing on top of a glider wearing a big green mask.

Zetsu squinted his eyes as he looked at the glider, '**clay?**' The glider was in fact made of clay as the masked man reached into his pocket and pulled out a ball of clay shaped like a pumpkin, "Fool you can't stop me, the Clay Goblin, un" and Zetsu's eyes widened, 'He said un, you don't think he is...**Must be**."

Zetsu thought Deidara came here just to make fun of him some more but it became apparent that he wasn't since he had two sacks of money in his hands, "So you must be the Greenhouse Phantom" the Clay Goblin said in a mocking voice.

Even though Zetsu was in danger he couldn't help but grin, he had his first arch nemesis. Pointing a finger at the Goblin he growled, "Let go of the money...**Goblin**!" "In your dreams, un!" he yelled and tossed two clay pumpkin bombs at him.

When they were in range the Clay Goblin clasped his hands together, "Katsu!" he screamed and the area where Zetsu was standing erupted in a fury explosion. The Goblin laughed triumphently but didn't notice a form emerge from the side of a building he was flying near, "Psst...**Behind you**"

The Goblin's eyes widened and he turned around only to be socked in the mouth by the Phantom. Losing his balance the Goblin fell off of his glider and towards the ground. Halfway to the ground the Goblin clasped his hands together, 'Hmn...**Whats he planning?**" he wondered before his eyes widened and he looked back up at the stationary glider made of clay.

"Katsu!" the Goblin screamed and the glider he was previously on erupted into an even bigger fireball. Zetsu had no chance to merge with the building since the building itself was caught in the explosion and he too fell towards the ground.

The Goblin fell onto the ground his arm giving a sickening cracking sound as he yelled out in pain. The Phantom fell to the ground a few seconds later with a loud thud, both of his sides yelling in agony. He stood up in time to see the Goblin flying away on another glider he made, "You haven't seen the last of me Greenhouse Phantom!" Zetsu heard the Goblin scream as he flew towards the moon.

The next day Zetsu walked through the hall of the Akatsuki HQ, various bandages and stitches littering his body to cover up his lacerations. The plant man paused instantly when he noticed Deidara coming up the opposite side of the hallway, his arm in a sling, "Well well Deidara...**you hurt your arm jacking off too much?**" Deidara looked over at the plant and blushed, "Sh-shutup freak" he muttered and passed by Zetsu who only smirked and went on his way.

Deidara slammed the door to his room, growling to himself he walked over to his bed, and after looking around to make sure Tobi wasn't around he reached under his bed and pulled out a pile of Spiderman comics and sitting down on his bed he grinned to himself as he read one of his favorites, "Oh Green Goblin you dog you, un" he chuckled.

That night if one looked up at the night sky on top of the Akatsuki's building you could see a man with shining yellow orbs watching over the city, his city. "I am the night...**I am the darkness**...I am The Greenhouse Phantom!" he screamed when suddenly an orange masked man came up behind him, dressed with his underwear on the outside of his black clothes, and green scarf, "And i'm his sidekick the Orange Wonder!" "**NO!**" Zetsu screamed and pushed poor Tobi off the side of the building.

As he listened to Tobi's screaming become more and more distant before a loud slam ensued, a scream of help in the distance caught Zetsu's attention and he took off into the night, living the dream he had since he was just a small boy in a small village, he WAS Batman.


	6. Eating out is hard to do

House of the Akatsuki Chapter 6

Many families have their personal traditions and if you could somehow assume Akatsuki as a 'family' then you could say they have theirs too. One of the more intresting traditions was every friday night instead of having Konan or Kisame cook like every other night, a random member would be chosen to peform the culinary task. Sadly though over the last few weeks one may call this tradition a "failure". Itachi couldn't cook anything more then instant ramen, Hidan made a tomato soup only to tell everyone afterwards the red liquid wasn't tomato, and Kakuzu cheaped out and bought everyone cheeseburgers from a local fast food restaurant. Tonight though as Zetsu walked through the kitchen doors and passed out his cooking, all the members had to admit that the steaks looking back at them seemed both tender and juicy.

Pein grinned as a piece of meat was placed before him, "Wow Zetsu, thats amazing we didn't know you could cook like that!" Both sides of Zetsu beemed, "We are very adept...**At cooking meats**." Tobi slipped his mask up slightly and gnawed at it with his hands, "Zetsu-san's cooking is the best!!!" Soon everyone was agreeing with their contented moans as they ate their steaks. As Konan finished up she patted her stomach with an 'ah' and looked over at Zetsu, "That was very delicious Zetsu-san, what do you call this dish?" Zetsu continued to eat but talked through bites, "Dan Madson" Konan scratched her head, "And what is a 'Dan Madson'"? Zetsu casually swallowed a piece and looked over to the woman, "**The mailman**" he said normally and continued to eat, not noticing as everyone's eyes widened and forks drop to the plates in a clatter of silverware.

"Oh my fucking God!" Hidan screamed and raced out the door to the bathroom, followed by Kisame, "My God i'm a cannibal!" he screamed. Tobi was the next out, "I don't wanna be a cannibal!!!" he shrieked as Deidara pushed by him, all his mouths ready to barf, "Move, un!" Itachi silently but quickly left the room along with Kakuzu however Pein and Konan stayed in the room and as Pein vomited his guts up in a potted plant Konan covered her mouth and looked at Zetsu, "Zetsu whats the matter with you?!" Zetsu looked at her funny, "What?...**You guys weren't bitching as you were stuffing your fat faces!**"

A half hour later 9 cloaked figures made their way through the busy streets of Rain Country. Although most members were holding their stomachs in pain as they walked, a two toned venus flytrap member sighed as they continued on, "I don't see why we have to go out to eat...**There is plenty of Dan Madson left**." His response was a bunch of groans. Konan quickened her pace and walked next to Pein, "So where are we going to eat?" As they continued on their way they all stopped as they came into sight of a restaurant that seemed pretty high class, "When the hell did we get this?" Pein asked, not remembering any plans for a new upscale eating establishment in his city. However he was soon being pulled by Konan, "Come on leader-sama don't question good fortune lets just go!" she yelled happily as all the members dashed to the front door of the restaurant.

Inside the restaurant a greeter hummed happily to herself as she organized the menus. Hearing the door opened she looked up and smiled, "Hi and welcome, how many in your party-Oh my God!" she screamed as she saw the group of freaks known as Akatsuki, "9 please" Pein said happily not taking any offence unlike some of the other members who glared at the girl.

Since their were no tables that could sit 9 people, they made do with two seperate booths sitting 4 members each. On one table sat Hidan, Tobi, Zetsu, and Kisame. On the other sat Itachi, Konan, Pein, Kakuzu, and Deidara who was given a chair to sit at the edge of the booth. Tobi began coloring on the kid's menu as Kakuzu took the liberity to be a cheap ass and order water for his entire booth while Hidan took the liberity to order beer for his entire booth. As the waitress went away everyone tried to decide what they wanted to eat.

Kisame looked at his menu, "The porkchops look pretty good" he said to his table and Hidan sighed, "I can't eat pork, goes against my religon" and they all heard a groan come from the other table as Kakuzu yelled out, "I told you a million times, thats jews you moron" and Hidan laughed, "Oh yeah." Zetsu looked at the various meats, "**Hmn they got buffalo burgers they kinda taste like human**...I wonder if we can order them extra rare." Tobi eyed the kid's menu with excitment, "Ooo I'm gonna have the Hot Diggity Dog!" he said happily and they could hear Konan giggle on the other booth as Hidan sighed while Kisame just grinned.

In the other booth Konan looked over the salads, "I think i'm gonna have a nice garden salad" she said and Pein grinned, "Good for you Konan, watching your weight is always a good thing." Suddenly Konan's face turned red and she stood up and left for the bathroom. Pein watched her go, "Wonder whats wrong" and Kakuzu sighed, "The salad was just an appetizer leader-sama." Deidara laughed, "Way to go Romeo, looks like you turned your girl bulimic."

Fifthteen minutes later Pein was really wishing he sat over at the other table, because to say that the personalities of the two tables were different was an understatement. While Pein, Konan, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Deidara quietly sipped their glasses of water, banging could be heard coming from the other table as Kisame and Zetsu slammed thier fists on it repeatidly, "Chug-a-lug...**Chug-a-lug**" "Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug!" they screamed as Tobi and Hidan downed bottle after bottle of budweizer, Hidan normally and Tobi through his eyehole.

To the group's suprise Hidan was the first to have his head collide with the table, passed out as drool made it's way off the small surface. Tobi started to poke the unconcious man's body while swaying back and forth, "I toooooold you Hiiiidan-baka _HIC _you can't drink meeee under the table you fucking cunt!" The white side of Zetsu was appaled at the boy's speech but the black side laughed, "**Woah! Never pictured Tobi as a mean drunk haha.**"

Kisame laughed too before looking up as the waitress came to thier table and the shark threw his arms up in celebration, "Alright the nachos are here!" he yelled and Zetsu, Kisame, and Tobi horrayed in celebration. The waitress then came to their table, "Here our your salads guys."

Pein stared down at his salad and water, and that at the people around him who ate in mature silence. Then casting a glance over his shoulder to see Kisame, and Tobi downing the nachos with their hands, sticky cheese on their fingers while making obnoxious munching sounds while Zetsu downed more budweizers and Hidan snored peacefully.

Inching towards the edge of his seat Pein looked over at Konan, "I...uh I think i'm gonna go sit over at their table to uh...make sure they don't get us thrown out yeah" he said before the bluehead placed a hand on his shoulder, "Oh no you don't, your gonna sit right here and eat your salad and drink your water. We can be just as exciting as they are right guys?!" she yelled to the table and Kakuzu growled and Itachi muttered a sarcastic, "Woo hoo" but they were topped as Deidara raised his hand in the air and stood on his seat, "Yeah!!! Our table fucking rules, fuck their table, fuck all the tables in this whole fucking shithole WE ARE THE BEST!!!" he screamed and everyone in the whole restaurant ceased what they were doing and stared in shock at the blonde who was quickly pulled down by Konan, "Jeus Christ, Deidara don't you think that was a little much, your gonna get us kicked out" she whispered and Deidara chuckled while blushing, "Sorry, un."

While waiting for their food, Tobi, Hidan, and Deidara decided to check out the small arcade in the corner of the restaurant, "No no your doing it wrong, it's down forward punch" Deidara screamed as Hidan jiggled around the small joystick causing the little blue ninja to move around on the screen. Hidan growled, "Shut up Deidara, I gotta concentrate!" and Deidara loomed over the screen more, "Freeze his ass hurry up, aww shit he got you with his rope spear, back back kick, back back kick!" but it was no use as on the screen Scorpion uppercutted Sub Zero causing him to sway around in a daze, "Finish Him!" a voice yelled before Scorpion took off his mask and torched his opponent much to Hidan's dismay, "Fatality" the voice continued.

Hidan gripped the joystick tightly, "Fatality, fatality? I'll show you a fucking fatality!" he screamed and punched the screen causing it to flicker in a mess of lights and buzzing Deidara fought to pull the cursing Hidan away from the broken machine, whimpering caught their ears and they turned around to see Tobi curled up inside the candy claw machine, "I got stuck" he muttered pathetically.

After prying Tobi out of the machine, the trio began walking back to their seats, only to hear horrible noises coming from a small stage, accompanied by music. Runnig over to the table they saw everyone holding their ears in anguish and noticed Zetsu missing, "Whats going on, un?" Konan growled, "Turns out this is also a karaoke bar, and Zetsu in his plastered state decided to sing."

They looked up on the stage and their eyes widened as Zetsu began to stumble around the stage in an attempt to dance, a microphone in hand, "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever doooooo...**Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number BLAAAAH!!!**" the black side of Zetsu screamed as he started to puke up his beer all over the stage, but somehow the white side was still able to talk, "Its ok everyone, hes just had too much to drink...**BLAAAH, fuck you I didn't have too much to-BLAAAAH!**"

Finally after what felt like forever the food arrived. The porkchops arrived first as Kisame and Hidan greedily dug in, not even bothering to use their forks. The buffalo burgers were next, and as the white side looked at it with glee, the black side was less then eager, "**This is rare, I wanted it raw**...They are not allowed to serve raw meat here, it violates the health code." The waitress raised an eyebrow as the two began to argue and placed the hot dog in front of Tobi, "Hot diggity dog! Its a Hot diggity dog!" he screamed and swiped dog from it's bun. Easing it into his mask's eyehole he began to make satisfied moaning sounds as Hidan began laughing, "Oh my God dude, that is soooo wrong!"

Pein grinned as a his pasta alfredo was placed before him but paused as a double-stacker triple-pounder bacon double-cheeseburger was placed in front of Konan. As she opened her mouth to take a bite she glanced at Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, and Pein's shocked expressions, "What? I think me having a salad compencates for this". Itachi and Deidara decided to order a chicken wrap platter and split it while Kakuzu 'special ordered' and got a cow heart left over from the steaks.

It was twenty minutes later that everyone was lounging lazily in their seats with contented grins, their plates licked clean except for Zetsu who decided to get some real food. Over at the men's room a man walked into a stall and sat down, then opened a newspaper and began to read. Suddenly something blocked out his light and he looked up to see Zetsu sticking out of the wall, "**Hello**" the plant said and grinned as he brought the flytrap down on the screaming man.

Back at the tables the waitress placed a small piece of paper in front of Pein, "Please come again" she smiled and walked away. Pein hummed to himself as he brought the paper up to his face and screamed as he read it over, "$210.90?!" Suddenly the Akatsuki leader was sideswipped off of the table as a stitched hand looked at the bill intently, "What?!" screamed Kakuzu as all the members looked over at the commotion, "Thats bullshit, we shouldn't be spending that kind of money on dinner!" Konan grabbed his collar and glared at him, "Thats not the problem you old miser! We only brought $125.00" she yelled hoping the employees couldn't hear.

Pein paced back and forth next to the booth and came to a conclusion as he pointed at Deidara, "Blonde, we need you to make a little distraction so we can sneak out of here. Send a small clay bomb into the kitchen, one just big enough to raise the smoke detector without causing damage."

Deidara grinned as his hand chomped on some clay before a small clay spider crawled out. Jumping off his hand the small bomb of clay scurried into the kitchen as everyone began to get up, "Ok everyone, just wait for the pop and the fire alarm to sound, then we-" _BOOOOOOM!!!! _ Pein's jaw dropped as the kitchen obliterated in a sea of flames, screams of roasting employees echoing through the debris as the Akatsuki members bolted out the door, heading down the street.

As they got out of chasing distance Pein glared at Deidara, "The fuck Deidara?! I said minor pop, not huge explosion" "Hey that was a small one, un." the blonde said and chuckled before Tobi noticed something as the group walked along, "Hey...wheres Zetsu-san?"

Back in the restaurant the two toned venus-flytrap hummed to himself as he exited the bathroom, wiping blood from his face before pausing as twenty Rain Country ANBU aimed kunai at him. A charred waitress pointed at the plant, "Thats one of them, he is one of those terrorists who blew us up!" she screamed and Zetsu held his hands up in surrender, "Oh shit!...**Fucking hate Applebees**."


	7. Welcome to Public Hell

House of the Akatsuki Chapter 7

There was a feeling Kakuzu couldn't quite describe every time he stepped through the double glass doors and into the air conditioned palace known as the public library. He would associate this feeling closely to peace however he hadn't really felt that for quite some time so it was somewhat foreign.

Kakuzu didn't enjoy many things in life, and although many would assume that sewing and obtaining money were his two favorite past-times, they were simply just neccesities in his complex existence.

Breathing in the smell of stiff paper and molding book binds, the miser felt more at home in this place then back in his home village. This was the place he came to for serenity in the most stressful times however the form following him through the double glass doors today seemed determined to make his life anything but serene.

"Aww Kakuzu why the fuck do we have to go to the library?" Hidan screamed and Kakuzu gave a groan as several library patrons stared awkwardly at the duo clad in cloaks. Kakuzu sighed, "Believe me Hidan I don't want you here anymore then you do, but its your fault. I set up a perfectly good alternative event for you, but you refused to take it."

Hidan seemed offended, "Alternative event? You took me down to the zoo and threw me into the tiger exhibit!" Kakuzu chuckled, "Yes and it would have kept you busy for a little while I enjoyed my readings. But you had to puss out and scream for the zookeepers."

As they neared the front desk, Hidan opened his mouth to speak, before Kakuzu cut him off, "Shut up Hidan" he muttered and rung the bell. Seemingly from under the desk a middle aged smiling woman appeared, "Can I help you Kakuzu-san?" she asked sweetly as Hidan screamed from her sudden appearence.

"Yes, I would like to update my library card, and since this idiot next to me will be staying with me, I believe he should get one too." Hidan growled, "I don't want no faggoty library card!" he screamed before a form was held to his face, "Ok sir just fill out this form and you too can enjoy the fabulous world of reading!" the woman screamed enthusiastically before disappearing under the desk in an instant.

As Hidan began to fill out the form, Kakuzu took this time to walk down the biography section of the building, admiring the vast array of books depicting various political and shinobi figures from across the centuries.

Stopping under the village leaders section, his threaded hands gingerly grasped a book on the 1st Hokage and pried it from it's confinement on the shelf.

Kakuzu hummed to himself as he took a seat near the front desk, and decided to listen in as Hidan handed his form in. The library lady took it and smiled, "Ok Dr. Cockmeat Huge Slong, here is your library card' she said sweetly and Kakuzu growled as Hidan laughed.

It was about fifthteen minutes later as Kakuzu read about the life of his worst enemy, taking the information of each page in like a vaccumn, while meanwhile Hidan began to walk through the magazine section.

After going across it several times, Hidan sighed and walked back up to the front desk, "Excuse me miss? I'm looking for a certain type of magazine and I don't see them on your display."

Kakuzu haulted his reading to easedrop on his partner's conversation once again. The library lady smiled, "And what kind of magazines would those be young man?"

"Oh you know, Hustler, Penthouse Forum, hell i'd even take a Playboy at this point" he muttered completly serious as the woman behind the counter gasped, a blush evident on her aging face.

Hidan's eyes widened as a strand of thread instantly circled around his neck, before he was roughly jerked away from the counter and towards Kakuzu's table. Upon reaching the table Kakuzu gripped the Jashinist by the collar and lifted him off the ground, "Listen here Hidan, this place is like a home to me-" he began in the most threatening voice he could muster, "-and if you would like to continue breathing while in my home, you will sit down and shut the fuck up...is that understood?"

Hidan surely saw Kakuzu pissed many times during their partnership, but as he gazed into the man's threatening multi-colored orbs, all words left him as he slowly nodded. "Good" the older man muttered before abruptly tossing him onto a chair across from him.

It seemed like an eternity for Hidan as he silently sat across Kakuzu, several times switching the position how he was sitting just to fight the bordom as Kakuzu calmly read his book.

After another two minutes of silence, Hidan finally snapped, "Fuck Kakuzu I can't take it anymore, how many hours must I idly sit here and wait for you?" he muttered.

Kakuzu growled, "Hidan, you've been sitting their for less then six minutes, why don't you actually go grab a book to read instead of bitching." Hidan seemed to like the idea, and after glaring at Kakuzu one last time, rose from his seat and entered the various rows of reading material.

Kakuzu sighed contently as he began to read about the 1st Hokage's battle against Madara Uchiha, reveling in each minute of silence due to Hidan's absense.

However several minutes later Kakuzu could hear laughing as his partner approached yet again, and it seemed that Hidan had found the newspaper section as the Jashinst slammed a newspaper down in front of him.

Kakuzu's eyes widened as a destroyed temple and hundreds of graves looked back at him, "Look Kakuzu, its a newspaper article of that time when we slaughtered all of those monks for that bounty!" Hidan yelled enthusiastically, and just a tad too loud for Kakuzu's liking.

Kakuzu's eyes darted back in forth at the shocked faces of all the library patrons, "Fun times, eh Kakuzu?" he asked before he omphed as Kakuzu quickly stood up and punched him square in the gut.

Hidan felt the newspaper being shoved into his arms, "Take this fucking thing back, and get yourself some real reading material you dipshit!" Kakuzu yelled threateningly as Hidan recedded away from the pissed off senior.

Several minutes later Hidan began a long, bored walk along the books on tape section. Deciding to give this literature a shot, he picked up a cassette of 'A Tale of Two Cities' and walked back to Kakuzu's table.

As soon as Kakuzu saw the cassette player, he warned him, "Keep that on low volume alright?" and Hidan nodded. Hitting the play button, the duo listened in, "_We now present A Tale of Two Cities, as narrarated by the wonderful Tony Soprano"_.

Kakuzu and Hidan's eyes both widened slightly as they listened to the man give an intro, before an angry Jersey-accent voice came on, "_Alright so it was the best of times and it was the worst of times...ah who the fuck am I kidding, it was just the worst of times. You see shit was really hittin the fan between the French peasents and the rich assholes, and this jackass named Jarvis Lorry ends up meeting with some seventeen year old broad named Lucie. Now before I go further into the story let me tell ya, for seventeen Lucie has a rack bigger then a cow's utters and an ass like-"_ Kakuzu and Hidan stared, mouths agape at the tape recorder as it went on.

After the tape recorder incident, Kakuzu began his reading in silence once again, and thankfully Hidan still hadn't come back with another book yet. However after awhile Kakuzu began to wonder what had happened to his partner.

Getting up Kakuzu began to walk down the rows of books before gasps and sounds of disgust were heard coming from the group of computers the library had.

With a low growl Kakuzu advanced towards the department and his eyes widened as he spotted Hidan on one of the various computers, on a website entitled and...with his...pants...off.

Hidan heard loud footsteps and when he realized it was Kakuzu he put on a big grin, "Man Kakuzu, you were right, this place has every-THIIING" Hidan choked his last syllable as a stitched up hand grasped around his throat and dragged him from the chair.

A few minutes later Hidan was bound and gagged by various threads to a chair at the table Kakuzu was sitting. As Hidan shouted muffeled obsenities through his gag, Kakuzu came back from the rows of books with several books about financing, but pulled one out of the pile and threw it at Hidan's head.

"Here, I found this in the religion's section" the miser muttered as he sat down and opened a book on money management.

The Jashinist looked down and his eyes widened when a book about the history and philosophy of the Jashin religion stared back at him. Struggling with his bonds, the silver-haired murderer was able to free his left hand and opened the book, reading it carefully.

It was about this time that a group of three including a thin blonde girl, fat redhead, and a fit young man with a cigarette in his mouth walked up to the library, "Aww man what a drag...I don't feel like doing this" Shikamaru muttered to his friends Chouji and Ino.

Ino humphed, "Look Shikamaru, we promised to help you study for the test Tsunade requested so you can take Asuma-sensei's position." Shikmaru's eyes narrowed slightly at the name of his deceased sensei's name, "One day...I'm gonna make those bastards pay who killed him" he muttered before putting out the cigarette and walking in with his friends.

Inside Hidan chuckled behind his gag frequently while reading about the various rituals that his religion's people performed. However as he heard the door to the library open, he instinctivley looked up momentarily, and his eyes widened in shock as the Ino-Shika-Cho team walked in.

Shikamaru sighed as he looked at the various books before his eyes widened just as wide as Hidan's as he saw the two Akatsuki members sitting at a table about 20 feet from their position. Putting on a scowl, he nudged his friends and the trio began their advance on the Zombie duo.

Kakuzu who had his back to the door, looked up as muffeled yells coming from Hidan caught his attention. The miser raised an eyebrow as Hidan began to frantically yell from behind his gag, and pointed with his free hand behind Kakuzu's head, "What...what is it?"

Hidan's yells became even more desperate as he began to lash around against his bonds before Kakuzu gave a sigh, and pulled off the gag, "Ok Hidan, what the hell do you want?"

"LOOK BEHIND YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Kakuzu's eyes slightly widened and he turned around, only to be punched by an extremely enlarged fist, compliments of Chouji.

Hidan watched in horror as his partner's body flew down the rows of books before disappearing into the distance. Slowly turning to the three Konoha shinobi, he put on his most innocent grin, "S-so how have things been for you guys?" he asked.

Shikamaru gave an sadistic grin, "Oh this is just too good to be true" he laughed and pulled out a kunai. Ino's eyes watched the kunai with slight hesitance, "Shi-Shikamaru...do you really think this is the right thing to do?"

Shikamaru humphed, "No...but neither was killing Asuma-Senpai." Hidan stared at the kunai and laughed, "Hah, I'm immortal...what are you gonna do huh?" Shikamaru stared into his purple eyes, "Yes your immortal...but your gonna wish you were dead when I chop your dick off" he chuckled evily.

Hidan let out an ear-piercing shriek as the kunai began it's descent in between his bound legs, before a fist attached to long threads flew from behind Hidan and punched Shikamaru right in the face.

The ninja flew through the air with a yell, Ino and Chouji looking over in horror, "Shikamaru!" Ino screamed and the threaded hand wasted no time grasping Hidan's chair and pulling it out from the table and into the rows of books.

Seconds later a kunai slashed Hidan's binds and the Jashinist was free, "Whew, thanks Kakuzu I owe you one" he said happily before the miser put a hand over his mouth, "Shut up Hidan...do you hear that?" he asked as a rolling sound was heard, the ground starting to rumble beneath their feet.

The Akatsuki duo slowly began to back away from the bookshelf they were standing next too, before diving in opposite directions as a bloated Chouji rolled right through the shelf.

"Boulder-Jutsu!" Chouji screamed as Kakuzu ran one direction while Hidan ran towards the other. As Chouji reverted back to normal size, Ino and Shikamaru walked up, "They can't hide forever...spread out, but don't engage them alone...they may be idiots but they are still Akatsuki."

Several bookshelfs over, Hidan panted heavily as he frantically looked around for Kakuzu or any incoming threats. Finding none he carefully crept over to another bookshelf, before he heard a "Psst!" come from a couple shelves over.

Hidan sighed in relief at seeing Kakuzu, and the old man began to communicate to Hidan using a bunch of hand signs, eager to maintain silence or risk giving away their position.

Hidan's only response was a raised eyebrow and a whispered, "What?" and Kakuzu growled angerly before chucking a book that smacked Hidan against the head.

Hidan clutched his injured head and glared daggers at his partner, but Kakuzu pointed towards the book he threw. "Sign Language for Dummies" Hidan muttered before opening the book up and waiting for Kakuzu to repeat his message.

"Head...for...the...exit...you...stupid...mother...fucker" Hidan muttered as he decoded Kakuzu's message. However Hidan being Hidan took offense and screamed loudly, "Oh fuck you Kakuzu!" This was rewarded with several paper bombs hitting books near Kakuzu and Hidan's positions, and exploding.

The explosion pushed Kakuzu and Hidan's bodies across the library, all the patrons long gone since the start of the brawl. They came to a skidding stop in the middle of the building, both stumbling to their feet in a daze.

However their movements were sharply restricted as a long black line seemed to engulf both of their shadows. Struggling to raise their heads, Shikamaru appeared with a dark chuckle, his shadow possession jutsu taking full effect as Hidan and Kakuzu stood helpless against the trio of shinobi.

"I...should have left you to di-die" Kakuzu struggled to mutter to Hidan who in return muttered a simple "F-f-fuck you". Shikamaru slowly raised his hand in the air, and had total satisfaction as Kakuzu and Hidan mimiced his movements, "Perfect...got you."

Kakuzu silently glared and Hidan gulped, "Wh-what are you gonna do to us...make us fight to the death or something?" he asked. Shikamaru's response was to nod at Ino who produced a Boombox and a Los Del Rio cassette, "My dear friend Ino here found these classic items over at the music section, and what you may not realize is that Ino's father is the ultimate person used for interrogation and torture."

Hidan raised an eyebrow, "Wait...your gonna torture us with some 90s Spanish music?" he asked skeptically, and Shikamaru laughed, "You fool...don't you remember what song Los Del Rio sung that drove millions mad with it's insane dance, its haunted wedding receptions and banquets ever since!"

Ino sighed and pressed the button, resulting in an electric guitar solo. Shikamaru began to bob his head to the side, Hidan and Kakuzu folloing suit. Kakuzu's eyes widened in horror, "Oh God...its the MACARENA!"

A la tuhuelpa legria macarena  
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena  
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena

A-hai A-hai

Hidan and Kakuzu could only watch in horror as their bodies began to do the macarena dance, something both have always dreaded doing during parties. Hidan was the first to crack as the song ended and instantly repeated, "Aaaah Jashin make it stop! Its so...its so...GAY!"

When I dance they call me macarena  
and the boys they say that I´m buena  
they all want me, they can´t have me  
So they all come and dance beside me  
move with me jam with me  
and if your good i take you home with me  
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena  
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena  
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena  
A-Hai A-Hai

About 9 playthroughs later Ino and Chouji began to worry about their friend who began to cackle madly as he led the Akatsuki pair through another round of the Macarena, "Shi-Shikamaru are you sure your ok?" Chouji asked.

"Shut up Chouji! These people drove me mad when they took our sensi away from us, i'm just repaying the favor!" Shikamaru yelled as Hidan continued his wailing cries.

It was about 2 playthroughs later that Shikamaru's chakra began to weaken just enough for Kakuzu to be able to snake a thread from his leg which quickly wrapped around the boombox and roughly tossed it across the room and into Shikamaru's head.

The shinobi yelled as the plastic collided with his head, instantly stopping the tape. The Akatsuki wasted no time as the justu was released, and hauled ass for the exit, "Screw this fight, lets just get the fuck out of here and go home!" Hidan screamed, and Kakuzu nodded while they continued their run.

As Ino and Chouji bent down to aid Shikamaru up, the raven-haired ninja abruptly pushed them away and pulled out a hand full of paperbombs, "Oh no you don't!"

Ino gasped at all of the paper bombs, "Shikamaru! Stop!" but it was too late as the bombs flew towards the top of the facility, and the roof exploded into a hailstorm of rocks and debri.

Kakuzu and Hidan felt the ground shake and looked up to see the incoming bombardment, "Oh shit! Kakuzu!" Hidan screamed as he was engulfed along with his partner. Ino screamed as well as she hugged Shikamaru before Chouji dove on top of the two.

On the outside of the smoldering rubble, various civilians of the small no-name village began to crowd around, shock and worry evident on most faces as they watched the wreckage in silence.

Suddenly a large fist punched through some of the wreckage, and out popped an enlarged Chouji, dragging a dazed Shikamaru and Ino with him. As the three coughed for air, Shikamaru looked around, "Ugh...what happend?" he asked before Ino punched him on the cheek, "You idiot! What the hell were you thinking!"

Shikamaru was honestly suprised of himself, he was usually so calculating but just the thought of the Akatsuki getting away made him black out with rage, and it almost cost him his team, "Guys...I...I'm sorry" he muttered. Ino looked at him for a second before sighing, and giving him a hug.

Shikamaru and Ino smiled at each other before their eyes widened as Chouji's enlarged hands wrapped around the two. Picking them both up, he squeezed, "Biiiig hug!" he laughed as Shikamaru and Ino started turning blue.

Over on the other side of the rubble, A three-bladed scythe slashed through the rubble and out stumbled Hidan, gasping for breath. Reaching back into the rubble he grasped Kakuzu's hand, "Ok Kakuzu lets go...huh?" muttered Hidan as he tugged on Kakuzu's hand, only to find long strands of thread.

Growling, the Jashinist began pulling the thread for a good two minutes before he heard a grown, and with one final tug the old miser was out.

Kakuzu muttered a bunch of gutteral sounds as Hidan began to drag him down the road and away from the rubble. Halfway down the road, the older ninja became concoius enough to stand up, "Ow...that hurt" he muttered and Hidan laughed as he patted his partner's back.

As they walked down the road, Hidan rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, "Hey Kakuzu...sorry about ruining your library trip and...uh...thanks for...you know...rescuing me back there when I was about to get my nuts chopped off." This time it was Kakuzu's turn to awkwardly rub his head, "No problem...and...thanks for pulling me out of the rubble."

Hidan grinned, "Hey, don't sweat it ya old fuck, thats what friends are for." Kakuzu raised an eyebrow at the word 'friend', but decided to just nod his head. However before he began walking again, Hidan pulled out a cassette player, and a cassette tape from his cloak.

Kakuzu's eyes widened at the sight of the same cassette they were forced to dance to, "Aw come on Kakuzu, no ones watching this time...one more time, pleeease" Hidan begged and Kakuzu sighed, "Eh fine what the hell" he muttered.

Hidan grinned as he removed the Tale of Two Cities cassette and inserted the Los Del Rio tape he swipped from the wreckage. Setting the volume to high, Hidan and Kakuzu continued their walk towards home while dancing to the beat.

Dancing away into the setting sun, Kakuzu had to admit that going to the library alone was always peaceful, but going with Hidan was definatly more intresting.

Eeeh, macarena

A-Hai A-Hai!


End file.
